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Mystery -comedy script. Click here to read Campfire Creepers Three: Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 1)

Click here to read Campfire Creepers Three–Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 3)

 

Uncle Charlie:  Joan, Joan, I must apologize, for I don’t think I made myself sufficiently clear a moment ago.  What I meant to convey was that while I am sure this young man exists, in theory and in fact somewhere, I am not however aware of his identity nor of his particular presence nearby at this  moment.

Joan:  Oh, so you don’t know who he is?

Uncle Charlie:  I am sorry dear, no.

Joan:  Oh well, thanks anyway Uncle Charlie.  It’s just like I said before, no boy ever gives me a second look.

Uncle Charlie:  Nonsense Joan, your young man is just shy, like Lou is with Emily.

Joan:  Like Lou?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right, and he’s probably someone you see everyday at school, and you have no clue he has a crush on you, like Lou.

Joan:  Like Lou?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right.  Why I wouldn’t be surprised if any day now he finally gets the nerve and walks up to you and speaks.

Joan:  Like Lou?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right, like Lou.

Joan:  I don’t know if I want to be gargled at, Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  Not exactly like Lou my dear, just in principle.  Perhaps your young man is not a gargler.   For all we know, he may be a goggler.

Joan:  A what?

Uncle Charlie:  A goggler;  one who goggles.  To goggle: to stare with bulging or wide open eyes.  While Webster’s doesn’t comment on this specific, I always think of a goggler as being speechless while goggling.  Certainly you’ve seen that look:  the bulging, blank eyes, the dumb expression, the sagging jaw, the gaping mouth.  That’s the look of a shy young man gazing upon his adored object.  Surely you’ve seen that look on some boys face Joan.

Joan:  I don’t know Uncle Charlie,  goggling sounds almost as bad as gargling.  Do you suppose there’s a nice boy out there somewhere who would just be able to talk?

Uncle Charlie:  Of course there is dear.  I must bend my mind to this matter to help you from being discouraged.   A change of subject is what I need for the moment.   Tell me what else has been going on in your lives.

Joan: Bonita and Huntz and I are helping out with the middle school play.

Lou: Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes Lou?

Lou: What are you doing with that?

Uncle Charlie:  This?  The vacuum cleaner?

Lou:  Yes.  Why are you carrying a vacuum cleaner around downtown Milford?

Uncle Charlie:  Well I have to take it to Max to have it serviced.

Lou:  Max?  Who’s Max.

Uncle Charlie:  Max is the man who owns the vacuum shop here in Milford.   Your Aunt Elizabeth  asked me to take it to him to have it fixed.  She can’t stand the terrible noise.

Lou:  This fellow Max, he makes a terrible noise?

Uncle Charlie:  No Lou!  The vacuum cleaner makes a terrible noise.  I’m taking it, the vacuum cleaner, to him,  Max, so he can find out why it’s making the noise and fix it.

Lou:  Okay.  I get it. The vacuum cleaner is making a terrible noise and you are taking it to get it fixed.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right.  Now Joan, you were saying–

Lou:  Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes  Lou?

Lou:  It looks like something is about to fall out of your pocket.

Uncle Charlie:  Thank you Lou.  I wouldn’t want to loose that.

Lou;  What is it, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  What, this?  This is a locket.  Your Aunt Elizabeth asked me to take it to Charlie to have it repaired.

Lou:  Now let me get this straight:  you’re taking that locket in your pocket to have it repaired by Charlie, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, that’s right.

Lou:  Joan, I think something has upset Uncle Charlie, he’s talking about himself in the third person.

Uncle Charlie:  No, I’m all right Lou.  I’m not Charlie.  Charlie is the jeweler to whom I’m taking the locket.

Lou: You’re not Charlie, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right Lou.

Lou:  Joan, I think you better stay with Uncle Charlie while I go for help.

Uncle Charlie:  No Lou, Charlie is not me.  I’m you’re Uncle Charlie.  Charlie is an entirely different person.

Lou:  Now he thinks he’s two different people.  Oh, poor Uncle Charlie.  Wait till Aunt Elizabeth hears about this.

Joan:  Lou, I think what Uncle Charlie is trying to say is that there is another man, also named Charlie, and that man is the jeweler to whom our Uncle Charlie is going to take Aunt Elizabeth’s locket to be repaired.  Isn’t that right Uncle Charlie?

 

Uncle Charlie:  Exactly, my dear.

Lou:  Oh, is that it?  Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, if only I had made myself clear from the beginning.  Ah, here are your cousins now.

Enter Bonita and Huntz.

Uncle Charlie:  You two are just in  time .

Bonita:  Hello everybody,  I hope we didn’t keep you waiting.

Huntz:  Yeah, sorry we’re a little late.  What are we just in time for, Uncle Charlie, is something the matter?

Uncle Charlie: Nothing the matter, Huntz, it’s just  your arrival is very timely in preventing me from being pulled deeper into a dizzying verbal vortex of confusion.

Huntz:  Say that again, Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  To put it another way, I am practically reeling from the linguistic contortions that accompany any attempt to carry on a conversation with Lou and Joan.

Huntz:  You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves.  Show me the bruises Uncle Charlie.  If only I had some liniment, I could give you a nice rub down.

Bonita:  Huntz, Uncle Charlie said contortions, not contusions.

Huntz:  Contortions?  You mean like those people who twist their bodies up like a pretzel?

Bonita:  That’s right.

Huntz:  Uncle Charlie, I didn’t know you were a contortionist.

Uncle Charlie:  I am not a contortionist Huntz.  I was speaking figuratively about mental contortions.

Huntz:  Mental contortions?  Oh, I get it:  confused, twisted, and seemingly pointless reasoning as the result of a misapprehension of  a word or phrase.

 

to be continued . . .

 

copyright 2017 r.k.morris