Continued from Campfire Creepers: My Friends Head (social media edition part 2).

Click here to read the full version Campfire Creepers: My Friends Head.

Charlie:  I might have known.    Well, I might as well know this too; how are you going to prepare it?

Mysterious Voice #1:  Oh, I don’t know, a little seasoning, perhaps some olives, and tomato, and balsamic vinegar.

Charlie:  Balsamic vinegar?  Joe would appreciate that.  He favored balsamic vinegar.

Mysterious Voice #1:  Would you care to join us?

Charlie:  I don’t think I could.  Not after what I’ve done.  Look at him, lying there.  Poor Joe.  I’m sorry old friend.  I suppose I should do something with the rest of Joe’s…  You might as well have it.

Mysterious Voice #1  Are you sure?  We only gave you half a head.

Charlie”  Yes.  Yes, I’m sure Joe would have wanted it this way.  You might as well have the other half too, as long as you eat it while it’s fresh.

Mysterious Voice #1:  This is most generous of you.

Charlie:  That’s all right.  Besides, Joe has another one at home, even bigger than this.

Mysterious Voice #1:  Even bigger?

Charlie:  Yes, he’s been growing it for some time.  He tried to keep it a secret, but I found out, I’ve  been watching it for weeks now.  Joe’s other head is huge, practically monstrous.

Mysterious Voice #1:  It would have to be, to be bigger than this.

Charlie:  But completely organic.  No chemicals, no sir, not in Joe’s garden.  He always has been the better gardener, and I’ve known it all along.  Every year we find a new place to get away and have our own private home grown salad competition.  I always find a way to keep it close, sometimes I even win, but this year I knew I didn’t stand a chance, not with lettuce like that.

Lou:  WAIT A MINUTE!  WAIT A MINUTE!

Uncle Charlie:  Yes Lou, what is it?

Lou:  You mean the whole time all those Creeper Keeper people wanted was for this Charlie guy to give them a head of lettuce?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right Lou.

Lou:  And this Charlie guy, which was really you,  took the axe to cut it in half and his friend Joe was so upset when he knew what Charlie, that is you, were going to do with the axe that he passed out?

Uncle Charlie.  You’ve followed the tale completely Lou, why do you ask?

Lou:  Why do I ask?  I’ll tell you why do I ask.  Because I’ve been hiding under my sleeping bag for twenty minutes all because a couple of guys are gonna trade a half a head of cabbage for a half a head of lettuce, that’s why do I ask.  You call that a scary story?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes Lou.  It did scare you, didn’t it?

Lou: You bet it did.

Bonita:  Then why are you so upset Lou?

Lou:  Because I’m  ashamed of myself.  I’m just a big scaredy-cat.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s nothing to be ashamed of Lou.  The story was supposed to scare you.  Look at brave Huntz, wedged between his two cousins.  You think he wasn’t scared?

Lou:  What about Bonita and Joan?  They don’t look scared at all.

Uncle Charlie:  What about it girls?

Joan:  Well, I might have been a little scared at first, before I figured it out.

Bonita:  I have to confess I was just a teensy bit frightened when I thought you really–oh but of course it was all such a funny story.  You really had Lou and Huntz going.

Huntz:  That’s all right girls, you can let go of my arms now, I’m starting to loose circulation, and please take your fingernails with you.

Uncle Charlie:  See Lou, everyone was scared.  There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Lou: And nothing bad really happened.  You just told the story to make us think bad things were happening, but it was just the way you told it, just to make it seem scary, right.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right Lou.

Lou: And those Creeper Keeper guys.  They weren’t really bad?

Uncle Charlie:  Not at all.  The nicest fellows actually.  You remember that deserted looking farm stand Joe and I saw by the road?  That was theirs.  We’re friends on Facebook now, and they even have Amazon Prime.  I helped them go organic, and their deserted farm stand is now a thriving organic produce and health care market.  They even sell all natural skin moisturizers.

Lou:  And Joe, he was just passed out, but he woke up and you guys are still friends?

Uncle Charlie:  No.  I’m afraid Joe’s  is the one part of the story that did not turn out happy.  Seems he never did recover from the shock of seeing what I did to his head of lettuce with that axe.  Oh, we went back home as friends all right, but I could tell right away that something was different.  Joe was never the same gardener as he had been before that night.  His other head of lettuce, the one that was even bigger than the one I traded, it soon turned brown and died.  No matter how he tried, Joe just couldn’t get a good yield after that.  He had lost his green thumb for good.

Bonita:  That’s sad.  I feel sorry for Joe.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, and that isn’t the worst of it.  Joe blamed me for causing him to loose his gardening skill.  I guess he is right in a way, but he swore revenge on me.  Started following me around with a sharp axe, garden tools, and the like, and said he would make me pay for what I had done.

Bonita: Make you pay?  Did he say how?

Uncle Charlie:  He didn’t need to.  I could read the look in his eyes.  Then there was time with the reaping sickle.  I barely managed to dodge that one.

Joan:  A reaping sickle?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, that would have made my little story tonight seem like a fairy tale in comparison.  But, we don’t have to worry about Joe anymore.  It’s not likely that he will escape.

Lou:  Escape?

Uncle Charlie: Yes, from the mental institution.

Joan: The mental institution?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes.  For the criminally insane.  Oh don’t look so worried.  No one has escaped from that institution in years.

Huntz:  That’s sure a relief.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, it was many years ago.  I would have been about your age, in fact, and I was quite concerned when my Uncle Fred, your Grandpa Fred, told me about it because, well the place is just a mile or so from here, which is why this area is so deserted, and we were camping not far from here.  Not far at all;  in fact I think it might have been this very spot.  I do believe I recognize that tree with the huge gash in the trunk.  That’s where Uncle Fred went to find out what was making those strange noises in the dark.  Of course the stains on the bark have faded over the years, but I think that is the tree–

Lou:  Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes Lou.

Lou:  Please tell me you still raise a garden.

Uncle Charlie:  Of course I do Lou.

Lou: And Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes Lou?

Lou:  Please tell me you brought cabbages with you tonight, and that that is not your friend Crazy Joe hurling them out of the woods.

Uncle Charlie:  What?  One, two, three four cabbages, all chopped clean in half.! Kids?

Bonita, Joan, Huntz, Lou:  Yes?

Uncle Charlie:  RUN!!

All:  WAAAAAAA!!

 

Epilogue and Editor’s note.  Every person in this scenario made it safely home at the scheduled end of the camping trip.  Joe really didn’t go crazy and swear revenge on Uncle Charlie, but he was hiding out in the bushes, hurling cabbages as he and Charlie had pre-arranged.  The camping trip became an annual tradition for Charlie and his nieces and nephews, and Charlie devoted much time and energy  to come up with new Campfire Creepers for his beloved family.

This scenario draws inspiration from several sources, notably the comedy-mystery movies of the 1940’s, also many of the mystery radio shows of the Golden Age of Radio,  from which I learned the device of having the characters describe their own actions in such deliberate detail.  The Sirius/XM channel Radio Classics, hosted by Greg Bell (gregbellmedia.com),  has been a great boon in providing listening opportunities for this important but sadly mostly forgotten form of story telling and entertainment. 

  I have also drawn some inspiration from a recent decade:  the Nickelodeon animated series Avatar: The Last Airbender,  created by Michael Dante DiMartino  and  Brian Konietzko,  and the  Puppetmaster episode  in which the main characters are encamped one night.  Sokka has been trying without success to frighten the others with ghost stories, when  Katara   says she remembers a true story that she tells with chilling effect.

Bonita is for Bonita Granville, whose many screen credits include playing Nancy Drew in several Nancy Drew  mystery motion pictures in the 1930’s

Joan is for Joan Davis, comic actress who appeared in many motion pictures, including the  1941 Abbott and Costello comedy-mystery  Hold that Ghost.

Huntz is for Huntz Hall of the Dead End Kids/ Bowery Boys team, whose films include several comedy-mysteries.

Lou if for Lou Costello, of the comedy team Abbott and Costello, whose film credits included several comedy-mysteries, including the aforementioned Hold that Ghost.

Thanks for reading.  I hope this scenario provides chills and laughs and a shared experience for you, your family, and friends.