Get some chills and laughs, inspired by the classic horror and comedy-mystery films of the past. Fun for all ages. Grab a part, break a leg, and ham on!
Mystery-comedy script. Click here to read Campfire Creepers Three: Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 1)
Ilinca: What about that blonde?
Cesar: Blonde? What blonde?
Ilinca: You know what blonde, or do I maybe have to tear out your moustache to make you remember?
Cesar: No, no. Do you mean the blonde, I mean Miss Betty, in the show?
Ilinca: That’s the one, that blonde Betty. I see the way you make eyes at her.
Cesar: I no make eyes at blonde Betty, I merely look at her in character.
Ilinca: Since when people look with the lips? I see the way you kiss her.
Cesar: You see me kiss blonde Betty?
Ilinca: Aha, you think you get away with some hanky panky!
Cesar: No, no, I swear. It’s in the script. I have to kiss blonde Betty.
Ilinca: Yeah, one time script says you kiss her. How come I see you kiss her plenty times?
Cesar: We got to rehearse.
Ilinca: Not like that you don’t. Also, script says blonde Betty is supposed to be your grandmother. Is that the way you kiss your grandmother?
Cesar: No! Never! How can you say such a thing? My poor grandmother would blush with shame.
Ilinca: Aha! I knew it!
Cesar: Knew what?
Ilinca: That all the time you was kissing blonde Betty you was not thinking about your grandmother, you was thinking about blonde Betty!
Cesar: Ilinca, my angel, my turnip, I swear it no! I was thinking only of you.
Ilinca: Thinking of me? That’s a good one. How can you say that, you no good good for nothing, when blonde Betty is blonde and my hair is black?
Cesar: Curse her blonde hair! It is your hair I love.
Ilinca: And blonde Betty has blue eyes, and mine are dark.
Cesar: Curse her blue eyes! It is your eyes I love.
Ilinca: And blonde Betty is big —
Cesar: She not so big, almost same size as you, up to here.
Ilinca: I don’t mean big like that. I mean big like this. She got the big bosums.
Cesar: I never noticed blonde Bettys bosums.
Ilinca: Never noticed, eh?
Cesar: No, I swear. All the time we do show together she is wearing grandmother dress, up to here.
Ilinca: Aha, but what about rehearsals? She no wear grandmother dress at rehearsals. And what about flashback number, huh, what about that one? She wear low-cut blouse in that number. I see the way blonde Betty lean forward at front of stage in low-cut blouse, I see the way all the men look at her in low-cut blouse, and you tell me you no notice?
Cesar: I not on stage for flashback number. My character not even born in flashback number. Whole time I stand back of curtain, look through peep-hole, wait for cue. I no see blonde Betty’s low-cut blouse because whole time I watch her from behind.
Ilinca: From behind?
Cesar: That’s right.
Ilinca: Whole time you watch blonde Betty from behind?
Cesar: I swear it. Whole time I never see one bosom. I only watch behind.
Ilinca: So! whole time you can’t take your eyes from blonde Betty’s behind! Maybe you like her behind better than mine!
Cesar: Ilinca, no! Curse her bosums! Blast her behind! It is your bosums and your behind I love.
Ilinca: (Screams) You monster, you fiend, you devil!
Cesar: What?
Ilinca: I am disgraced!
Cesar: Disgraced, how? What did I do?
Ilinca: Oh, my poor Mama. Thank God she is not here to listen to her daughter be shamed in such a way. If only Papa were here, he would protect my honor. Why, with his bare hands he would break you in two for disgracing his little Ilinca.
Cesar: Ilinca, please, how did I disgrace you? What did I say?
Ilinca: How can you say ‘what did I say’? You know what you say. In front of all these people, all these strangers, in this strange country, you go shouting around the whole town about my bosums and my behind.
Cesar: The whole place? What? I was not shouting. You are shouting.
Ilinca: You do not love me. I am just a catalogue of parts to you.
Cesar: Ilinca, please, my angel, my pet, my own pumpkin, believe me. It is you I love, the whole you, not the parts.
Ilinca: What’s wrong with my parts?
Cesar: Nothing. I love them too, but only as part of the whole.
Ilinca: Sure, you say you love me. Is it because you love me send me here with Grigore and the Professor and that horrible Plamen , so you can stay behind and stare at blonde Betty’s behind?
Cesar: Ilinca, my own little radish, she is not my blonde Betty, I swear it. I stayed only because producer say I must stay to finish show. Can I help it if it was big success? He says if I leave before final week, contract says he no have to pay me. What could I do? Things not so good in our country right now. You know we need any money we can make so we get married.
Ilinca: Married! Ha!
Cesar: Ilinca!
Ilinca: For three years now you keep saying we get married soon. But look, three years and still Ilinca is not married. What my family think?
Cesar: Your family has waited three years already. Surely they can wait a little more.
Ilinca: Maybe they can, but I not so sure about me.
Cesar: Ilinca!
Ilinca: You just a no good wolf, that’s what you are. You keep me put away on shelf, then you go chasing after your blonde Betty and all the other pretty girls, but you no care about Ilinca.
Cesar: Ilinca, my angel, my own sweet tender-leafed cabbage, how can you say such things?
Ilinca. No cabbages for you! I am not your Garden of Eden. Keep your hands to yourself, you snake.
Cesar: But snakes do not have hands.
Ilinca: Don’t try to change the subject.
Cesar: Ilinca, please listen to me. I get big idea sitting here, that’s what I want to tell you about. You listen to this, then you see how much your Cesar want to marry you, soon as possible.
Ilinca: Well, I listen, but I not so sure I see.
Cesar: Okay. Just listen, but pretty soon, you see. Now I got to talk quiet so those people don’t hear me.
Ilinca: What people?
Cesar: Those, over there. You recognize them?
Ilinca: Yes, those are those high school kids who keep getting in the way at the high school, at Little Theatre.
Cesar: I thought so. I heard them talking all about it. Wait till you hear what I have to tell you.
Ilinca: Well, go on tell me.
Cesar: They think something funny is up at the Little Theatre.
To be continued…
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