• Sur Real, CA,  May 11 2016

Conway “Con”F. Used was acquitted today of drunk driving and related charges by convincing Judge Roy Preen that at the time of his arrest he identified as sober.

Prosecutors had already testified and produced evidence that Used’s blood alcohol content was well over the legal limit, and that he had failed all other sobriety tests at the time of his arrest.  Other evidence included sworn statements by the wait staff  and management at the restaurant where Used had earlier that evening dined and consumed four alcoholic beverages before leaving angry after being denied further alcoholic refreshment.

In his comments before releasing Used, Judge Preen indicated that scientific measurements such as blood alcohol content could not be used to suppress  a person’s sense of identity and perhaps even disrupt their emotional well-being.  He chastised the arresting officers for their bigotry in arresting Used, who testified that he claimed he was sober all along.

Officials from  the nation’s capitol have weighed in on the case, saying that they are considering bringing action against the manager, wait staff, and owner’s of the restaurant where Used had dined the night of his arrest for violating his civil rights in refusing to sell him additional alcoholic beverages.  “This kind of intolerance is completely unacceptable,”   said an unidentified spokesperson, “We should all be disgusted by the kind of bullying that labels a person as intoxicated when that person identifies as sober.”  When questioned about the fact of Used’s blood alcohol content, the spokesperson replied,  “We all know that state and local law enforcement in this country is rife  with prejudices and unfair practices that are designed to protect the interests of the few.  Unless we want to see a return to the segregationist South of the  1950’s, or worse,  we need to reject these prejudices and unfair practices until we can purge state and local law enforcement agencies, of these prejudices,  and properly train, and restaff them if necessary, so that they follow the appropriate and acceptable values demonstrated in Judge Preen’s ruling in this case.

Retail giant BullSeye, also decided to chime in on the case, saying that they supported Judge Preen’s ruling, and they look forward to their employees and patrons enjoying working and shopping at BullSeye in any state of sobriety they choose, so long as employees identify as sober while working.

When told of BullSeye’s support for the ruling in his favor, Used,  was elated.   “I’m going to drive right over to my local BullSeye and buy a case of beer and drink it right there in the middle of the store to show my appreciation.”  When asked which restroom he would use should the urge arise after consuming so much beer, Con  replied “Restroom?  I don’t need no stinking restroom.  After that much beer I always feel like some kind of animal, say maybe a big, lovable, out of control dog.  I’ll just p*ss right there in the middle of the store, all over the floor  and  on  anybody’s legs that get within range.”  When asked if he thought there might be consequences to such behavior Used answered, “Consequences?  What kind of consequences?  Are they going to throw me out for doing something  “Wrong”  (Air quotes gesture at this point).  They wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.   Ha Ha.”

A complete transcript of the conversation between  Mr. Used and the other parties present can be found here:  (insert link–more to come.)

In a follow up statement, a rep from BullSeye indicated that the retailer would be installing floor drains at regular intervals throughout all areas of their stores to accommodate customers and employees who choose to identify as any kind of animal.