Continued from Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum -Act One opening
Cesar: Excuse me, my dear young lady.
Joan: Me?
Cesar: Yes, you.( Stoops to pick up notebook. Presents it to Joan.) I believe you drop this.
Joan: Me?
Cesar: Yes, you, my charming young feminine female. Never before do I see such feminine charm.
Joan: Me?
Cesar: (To Uncle Charlie) She got trouble with voice?
Uncle Charlie: Her voice is fine, I think she is perhaps a trifle surprised.
Cesar: What is trifle?
Uncle Charlie: Little bit.
Cesar: Little bit, big bit. What surprise? Is just Cesar, right here in how you say ‘broad daylight’. Is no surprise.
Uncle Charlie: What I meant was, I believe the way in which you spoke to her came as a surprise.
Cesar: What? Surely this lovely young woman is no surprised to hear admiring teenage boys, like Cesar, pay attentions to her lovely self.
Uncle Charlie: Perhaps it would help if I were to start introductions. You, I take it, are named Cesar. I am Uncle Charlie, I mean, I am their Uncle Charlie, and this is my niece Joan, and another niece Bonita, and these are my nephews Lou and Huntz. Joan and Bonita and Lou and Huntz are all cousins.
Cesar: All big family, that nice, all together, like my family. It is very much pleasure to meet you. I am Cesar Valeriu Andreica, at your service. I hope I was not too bold in approaching you, it is just that since I come to visit America only yesterday, I have not had much chance to make acquaintance with young teen age people my own age.
Uncle Charlie: Just what is your age, Cesar?
Cesar: My age, well let me see I think I just a little bit older than cousin Joan. I guess you maybe fifteen years.
Joan: Sixteen on my next birthday.
Cesar: There, what I tell you? I sixteen now, be seventeen my next birthday.
Uncle Charlie: You are sixteen years old you say?
Cesar: Sure. I be seventeen in August.
Uncle Charlie: That is a very luxuriant moustache you have for a sixteen year old, Cesar.
Cesar: Luxuriant? What is luxuriant?
Uncle Charlie: Growing with vigor and in great abundance.
Cesar: Oh, sure. You Like? You should see before I shave.
Uncle Charlie: Before you shaved?
Cesar: Sure. I shave most of it off before I fly to your country; not want to pay for extra weight on airplane. Ha ha, I make joke. You like? Pretty good, eh? I tell you what though, if you think my moustache is something, you should see my fathers moustache.
Uncle Charlie: Very impressive, is it?
Cesar: Impressive? You bet impressive. Papa shaves this much off every day before breakfast.
Uncle Charlie: Amazing.
Cesar: Oh ho, I know you are thinking sounds kind of crazy, but all the men in my family like that. We, what’s the word, mature, very early. I been shaving ever since I was ten. All the boys in my family have moustache like this by time they sixteen.
Uncle Charlie: As you say, they mature at an early age.
Cesar: Sure, my whole village like that. You know we got no boys choir in our church?
Uncle Charlie: No?
Cesar: No, by time boys old enough to hold music, voice has changed.
Uncle Charlie: Remarkable. Must be something in the water.
Cesar; Sure, we got good water. Comes from mountain. All very strong, very healthy. We live good long lives, get married, always have plenty children.
Uncle Charlie: Yes. Perhaps we are getting ahead of ourselves. I notice a young lady with you.
Cesar: Oh, please forgive me, In excitement to meet you lovely people, especially Joan, I forgot about my Ilinca. Please, allow me to introduce to you kind people this lovely young lady with the lovely black hair and the beautiful dark eyes and, er, other beautiful parts, my sister, Ilinca.
Uncle Charlie: That’s quite an introduction.
Cesar: Sure, why not? Ilinca quite a sister.
Ilinca: How do you do? Is nice to meet all of you.
Cesar: Ilinca is one beautiful young woman, no? Any man, I mean teenage boy like me, would be glad to have her for his, how you say, sweetheart.
Uncle Charlie: Have you Ilinca, a special young man, a sweetheart, as we say?
Ilinca: Sure, I got sweetheart. He nice fellow, sometimes.
Uncle Charlie: Do you miss him, being away from home?
Ilinca: No, I no miss him. I got sweetheart right here in America.
Cesar: What? Who this fellow? I break his arms if he touch you with even one finger.
Uncle Charlie: Cesar, you sound almost jealous. Surely as a brother, you cannot object to Ilincaa having a sweetheart.
Cesar: Sure, sure. I her brother. I no jealous. I only mean, I break his arms if he no present himself first to Mama and Papa, to get their approval. How American boy get approval from Mama and Papa when they at home in our village?
Ilinca: Cesar, don’t be silly. Sweetheart is not American boy.
Cesar: No?
Ilinca: No, is boy from our village, just like you.
Cesar: Like me? Oh. Oh, yes, like me. That’s okay then. You bet, Ilinca got plenty nice sweetheart.
Uncle Charlie: It’s very good of you to look out for your sister, Cesar.
Cesar: Sure. You bet, even though she older, I look out for her, just same as if she little sister. Ouch!
Uncle Charlie: What is it?
Cesar: I don’t know. Strange pain in foot all of sudden. (Aside to Ilinca) Why you stomp on foot like that?
Ilinca: (Aside to Cesar) Why you tell them I older sister? I younger than you. You tell them I younger sister!
Cesar: (Aside to Ilinca) Listen, how they believe you younger sister when I tell them I only sixteen years? Nobody going to believe you fourteen years.
Ilinca: (Aside to Cesar)Then you tell them I am fifteen years, same as Joan.
Cesar: (Aside to Ilinca)Fourteen, fifteen, makes no difference, nobody going to believe that.
Ilinca: (Aside to Cesar) You tell them, or you walk with limp rest of day.
Cesar: (Aside to Ilinca) Okay, okay, I tell them you fifteen years, but I no like. (To all) Excuse me folks, I make mistake. Ilinca not my older sister, she my younger sister.
Uncle Charlie: You made a mistake about which one of you was older?
Cesar: Sure, happens to me all the time. I got another sister, Daciana, she the older one. All the times I get Daciana and Ilinca mixed up. Ilinca is younger sister. She much nicer too. Sweet temper. She never hurt nobody, right Ilinca?
Ilinca: Nobody that don’t have it coming to them.
Uncle Charlie: You are the younger sister, Ilinca? Just how young are you?
Natasha: Fifteen.
Uncle Charlie: Fifteen?
Cesar: But she be sixteen pretty soon, in June. Girls drink same water as boys, grow up fast.
Uncle Charlie: In June!? Your father must be impetuous.
Cesar: No, he no in Texas. Papa home in village with Mama, just like I tell you few minutes ago.
Natasha: My brother Cesar make mistake. I be sixteen in October. It is sister Daciana who have birthday in June.
Uncle Charlie: October, yes, I see. Still, your mother must be a remarkable woman.
Cesar: Sure she remarkable, she my mother!
Uncle Charlie: Yes, I should say she has quite a constitution.
Cesar: No, she got good digestion, same as rest of family. What about you, you got stomach problems?
Uncle Charlie: No, my stomach is fine. What I meant was, your mother must be a very strong woman, made of sturdy stuff.
Cesar: Sure, she sturdy, strong woman, my mother. To look at her you think she just like soft flower, very pretty and delicate, but she very strong, I tell you. One time she wrestle bear.
Bonita: A bear?!
Cesar: Sure, was trained bear, but still bear. One time gypsies camp near village. Whole town go out to see. Gypsies play music, tell fortunes, do tricks with flaming swords, you know; when bear walks up to Papa, give him nudge with nose. Gypsy man see this and say ‘ Ah, Jacaus want to wrestle you. This sign of honor.’ Papa start to stand up to wrestle bear when Mama say ‘ I got honor too. You sit down, Mihai, I wrestle bear.’ So mama get up and wrestle bear.
Bonita: Was she alright?
Cesar: Sure she alright. She win two out of three. Of course before final throw, bear sneeze and how you say, lose his balance, make it easier for Mama to win, but bear no complain. Everybody give Mama big cheer. Bear get extra honey for being such good sport. Much laughter, much music and dance after that. Sure, my Mama made of sturdy stuff. Always it good to see Papa and Mama dance and laugh together.
Huntz: Did your father wrestle the bear after that?
Cesar: What for he want to give up dancing with beautiful wife to wrestle bear? You think he stupid?
Huntz: No, no. I didn’t mean anything like that.
Cesar: That’s okay, cousin Huntz, I just having joke with you. Picture of Mama and Papa dancing make me very happy. I like to joke when I feel happy. I hope you no mind.
Huntz: I don’t mind.
Bonita: We’re glad you feel so happy, and that you feel comfortable enough already to joke with us.
Cesar: Oh sure, I get comfortable right away, soon as I like people. I don’t waste no time. That reminds me, I got a question for you, maybe you can explain something to me.
Bonita: Sure, Cesar, what is it?
Cesar: Just in the little while I been here in Milford, I keep hearing the young people, you know, the other teengers, like Ilinca and me, talk about this Coming-home dance.
Uncle Charlie: Coming-home? You mean the Home coming dance?
Cesar: Ya, that’s it! You heard about it too?
Bonita: I imagine just about everyone in Milford and Highland knows about the Homecoming dance. It’s a big dance at the high school, one of the biggest events of the year.
Cesar: A big event? That sounds nice. I love to dance. Too bad I no go to school here, then I could go and dance.
Bonita: I suppose you don’t actually have to go to Milford to go to the dance, as long as your date went to Milford.
Cesar: My date? You mean the young lady? Of course, but that is problem. I know no young ladies in Milford, except of course you, Bonita, and your charming cousin Joan.
Bonita: That is a problem. I already have a date for the dance , —
Cesar: Miss Joan?
Joan: Yes?
Cesar: No, I cannot ask you. I got to do this the right way
Joan: Do what?
Cesar: You see. Uncle Charlie, you are the uncle of this charming young lady, this Joan standing here right next to us, right?
Uncle Charlie: That is correct, Cesar.
Cesar: Then it is my privilege sir, to ask you if I may have the honor of escorting your niece Joan to the big event, the Homecoming dance.
Uncle Charlie: I’d like to oblige you Cesar, but I hardly think it’s my place. You should speak to Joan’s parents.
Joan: No, Uncle Charlie!
Uncle Charlie: What is wrong with that suggestion, dear?
Joan: We’re wasting time. I mean, it seems like an awful lot of trouble to go tracking down Mom and Dad, when you can settle things right away, I mean, after all, we’re a very close family, and they trust your judgement.
Uncle Charlie: Joan, don’t put me in this spot.
Joan: Uncle Charlie, please?
Uncle Charlie: Alright dear, I’ll do it, on one condition.
Joan: Thank you Uncle Charlie.
Uncle Charlie: Listen to my condition before you get too excited.
Joan: Alright, name it.
Uncle Charlie: It’s simply this: that if your mother and father object or show the least hesitation in allowing you to attend the dance with this young man, the whole thing is off, and no hard feelings. Agreed?
Joan: Agreed. But you’ll let me tell them about him in my own way?
Uncle Charlie: Fair enough, as long as I am present to make sure you don’t leave out any important details.
Joan: Alright.
Uncle Charlie: Very well then. Cesar, as the senior member of this family present, and acting on behalf of my sister and brother-in-law, and pending their final approval of the arrangement, I give you permission to escort my niece Joan to the Homecoming dance.
Cesar: Oh boy! Thank you Uncle Charlie. You no be sorry. I make good escort for Joan. We have good time, but no monkey business, not even on dance floor.
Uncle Charlie: That’s fine Cesar.
Cesar: Yes sir, I telling you. You can trust Cesar. Whole time on dance floor, these hands, see? One hand here, holds her hand, her soft, dainty hand, and one hand here, in middle of back. No slipping down of the hand, no, no. I be a perfect gentleman the whole time.
Uncle Charlie: I am sure Joan’s parents will be glad to hear that.
Cesar: They not the only ones.
Uncle Charlie: I beg your pardon?
Cesar: I was thinking of–of my mother. Always she wants me to be a perfect gentleman. She so sweet. She get hurt if she think I no act like gentleman. Ilinca knows. Isn’t that right, Ilinca?
Ilinca: That’s right, Cesar.
Cesar: And I was thinking how pleased Mama will be when she finds out what a perfect gentleman I am at Homecoming dance.
Ilinca: That’s right Cesar. She be pleased. And you be plenty sorry if you do something that not please Mama.
Cesar: Oh, trust me, Ilanca, I not do anything that not please Mama.
Ilinca: You such a good boy, Cesar. I tell Mama all about what perfect gentleman you are at Homecoming dance.
Cesar: Oh…Thank you Ilinca.
Enter Grigore
Ilinca: Cesar, look, is Uncle Grigore. We over here, Uncle Grigore. Cesar, call Uncle Grigore, so he see us.
Cesar: Oh, yes, Uncle Grigore, we over here.
Grigore: Here you two. I look all up and down the Main Street for you.
Ilinca: What’s that Uncle Grigore, you got a little problem, you need to ask about all alone? Okay, just a second. Excuse me folks, Uncle Grigore, need to talk to me all alone. I be just a minute. (pulls Grigore aside) Listen, I no got time to explain right now, you just need to know that Cesar and I pretend to be brother and sister. Also he pretend be only sixteen years and I only fifteen years.
Grigore: Why you pretend such things?
Ilinca: Like I say, I no got time to explain, only that we got to fool those kids. You recognize those kids?
Grigore: Sure, they high school students help with play in Little Theatre. Why you want fool those kids? They nice kids.
Ilinca: We got to fool them so maybe we find out what they know. Cesar, he’s sitting here for long time, he hears them talk all about strange things going on at Little Theatre. We no want them get in way of plans to find treasure.
Grigore: Ilinca, I no like this. You hiding around Little Theatre, look for treasure, more like thief in night. Why big secret, why Professor make all these pretends? Now you want fool these nice kids. I say you let Professor find treasure on own, we go home now, leave this before trouble start.
Ilinca: No! We got to help Professor find treasure, otherwise he no pay us, Cesar and I wait long time get married. This our big chance to have enough money, get married.
Grigore: Don’t take so much money get married. We go home, I give you my little bit money, then you and Cesar get married.
Ilinca: Uncle Grigore, you so kind, but no, I no can take your money. Besides, we got to do this. I think if we try leave now, there be even more trouble. Professor maybe get angry, and Plamen …
Grigore: Plamen make threats at you?
Ilinca: No, he no make threats, but I no like look in his eyes. I tell you, that Plamen, he frightens me. We stay, finish job for Professor, then, after he pay us, we go home, forget all about this bad business.
Grigore: Okay, we stay, you finish job for Professor, but I no like. What you want me do?
Ilinca: Just pretend Cesar and I brother and sister, and that we teen-agers, like I tell you. Also, I tell you now, worst part is Cesar pretend to have big crush on Joan. I want you watch him, Uncle Grigore, make sure he behave.
Grigore: Okay Ilinca. I watch Cesar. Also I pretend, but I no like fooling nice kids. Who is man with kids?
Ilinca: He is Uncle Charlie. He nice too, just like kids. We make friends right away.
Grigore: You think you fool Uncle Charlie too?
Ilinca: Sure, he believe everything Cesar and I tell them. Now come on, I introduce you now. (To others) Every body, Uncle Charlie, Joan, Bonita, Lou, and Huntz, I want introduce you to my, and Cesar’s , Uncle Grigore. Uncle Grigore, this everybody like I just say.
Grigore: How you do everybody? Is nice to meet you.
Uncle Charlie: Nice to meet you too Grigore, or should I call you Uncle Grigore, since your niece and nephew have been kind enough to adopt me as their uncle?
Grigore: That’s okay Uncle Charlie; I no mind either way, you can call me Grigore, or you can call me Uncle Grigore, same goes for kids too.
Bonita: Well, Uncle Grigore, we were just about to go see the Milford Wax Museum. Would you care to join us?
Lou: Remember, count me out. I’m not going anywhere near those monsters, even if they are made of wax.
Ilinca: Monsters? What monsters, Lou?
Lou: The Wolf-man, and Dracula, and the Frankenstein monster and the Bride of Frankenstein.
Ilinca: Bride of Frankenstein, really? Is cosy, no?
Lou: Cosy or no cosy, I’m not going in there. I’ll just stay out here, in the sunshine, with the bright leaves, and the fresh air, and no monsters.
Grigore: You no like the monsters, Lou?
Lou: No, not me.
Grigore: Not even make-believe?
Lou: No sir. I’ll take my chances out here in the sunshine.
Grigore: How you know there no monsters out here?
Lou: If there were monsters out here, I would see them.
Grigore: What about Invisible Man?
Lou: The Invisible Man wasn’t a monster, he was a man.
Grigore: Sure, same as Wolf-man is man until he turn into werewolf.
Lou: (Utters frightened exclamation) What was that? I thought I felt some one breathing down my neck.
Uncle Charlie: Relax Lou, there is no one behind you.
Lou: How do you know? If he’s invisible, you wouldn’t see him.
Ilinca: You know Lou, I no want to see monsters either. I stay out here in sunshine with you. Invisible Man no bother both of us, if we stay close together.
Lou: You mean you’ll stay out here and protect me, I mean keep me company?
Ilinca: Sure, I stay with you.
Uncle Charlie: What about you, Cesar, Uncle Grigore, would you care to join us?
Cesar: You going, Miss Joan?
Joan: It does sound a little creepy, but I’ll go if you do.
Cesar: Sure, then we have time to talk before dance. I like to hear all about you, about things you do.
Joan: The dance isn’t until Saturday night.
Cesar: Good, that gives us more time. Well, I ready. We go see wax museum now?
Ilinca: Uncle Grigore, I think you go with Cesar and others. Keep eye on him, make sure he no get into trouble.
Cesar: Me? What kind of trouble?
Ilinca: Uncle Grigore knows, right Uncle Grigore?
Grigore: Sure, I know. Well, what we waiting for? Let’s go to wax museum.
Bonita: We have to follow Uncle Charlie. He has to show us to the wax museum.
Grigore: Sure, we all go together, but what for Uncle Charlie got to show us? Is right over there.
Uncle Charlie: Say that again please, Uncle Grigore.
Grigore: You mean about wax museum? Is right over there.
Uncle Charlie: Over there?
Grigore: Sure, by door with sign that say ‘Opera House Built 1875.’ Right between restaurant and bride’s dress shop.
Uncle Charlie: Then you really can see it.
Grigore: Sure I see. All the time I keep eyes open, look out for little niece, and nephew.
Uncle Charlie: That’s amazing.
Grigore: Not so amazing. I make promise to sister I look out for Ilinca, and Cesar.
Uncle Charlie: Yes, but what I meant was that you could see the wax museum at all.
Grigore: What so amazing about that? Wax museum right out in open, right in big building, right between other business.
Bonita: What do you think it means, Uncle Charlie?
Uncle Charlie: I don’t know dear, it’s as big a mystery to me as how most people can’t see the museum at all. We’ll have to ask Mort about this. I can’t explain.
Grigore: Is no big mystery. When you live in Carpathian mountains, you see lots of things no can explain.
Uncle Charlie: The Carpathian mountains, is that your home?
Grigore: Sure, I live there whole life, same as niece and nephew here.
Uncle Charlie; It sounds very interesting, Perhaps you could tell me more about it as we go?
Grigore: Sure, I tell you.
Uncle Charlie: Ilinca, Lou, are you two sure you won’t join us?
Ilinca: We okay right here Uncle Charlie. We see you later perhaps.
Uncle Charlie: Okay. Bye for now.
Exit Uncle Charlie, Joan Cesar, Bonita, Huntz and Grigore towards Main Street.
Lou: Thanks for staying with me Ilinca. I feel safer already.
Ilinca: Is no trouble. You nice boy, make me feel safe too.
Lou: I do?
Ilinca: Sure, you big, strong boy.
Lou: Me?
Ilinca: What’s the matter, you no believe?
Lou: Sure, I believe. Do you believe?
Ilinca: Sure, why else I say if I no believe? I think is best thing for you to stick close to Ilinca. Like you say, is safer for both me and for you.
Lou: Ilinca, there is something I need to ask you. Did I just hear Uncle Grigore say you are from the Carpathian Mountains?
Ilinca: Ya, Sure. Carpathian Mountains. All of us, Uncle Grigore, Cesar, and me, Mama, Papa, all the other aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, bunicile, bunici —
Lou: Bunici, are those some Italian relatives?
Ilinca: No, Bunicile and bunici is grandmamma and grandpapa. Like I say, we all there, in village in Carpathian Mountains. You been Carpathian Mountains?
Lou: No, I’ve never been there. Aren’t the Carpathian Mountains in Transylvania?
Ilinca: Sure, that’s right. You been Transylvania?
Lou: No.
Ilinca: You know much about Transylvania?
Lou: Only what I see in the movies.
Ilinca: Oh, only the movies? That’s great. Ask me anything you like, I can tell you plenty more about Transylvania.
Lou: Is your village in Transylvania?
Ilinca: No, is right next door in little country called Scramsylvania.
Lou: Scramsylvania? I never heard of that place before.
Ilinca: Hardly nobody ever heard of Scramsylvania. Is very small. Is like–like, what is American phrase for small place, out of way?
Lou: A one horse town?
Ilinca: That’s it! A one horse town, only we got five horses, three ox-carts, and one jack-ass.
Lou: Only one jack-ass? That must be a small place. My friend Lenny says we have a lot of jack-asses in our town.
Ilinca; Really? I never see one.
Lou: Neither do I, but Lenny does. He says they’re a big bother.
Ilinca: Whose big brother is jack-ass?
Lou: No, no. Not brother. Bother. Bother.
Ilinca: Oh, bother? I make mistake. No, jack-ass in our village no bother most of time. Do his work, stand in shade under tree when not working. He very friendly little fellow really.
Lou: Friendly?
Ilinca: Sure, he let you scratch behind ears, and give him nice big pat , back here, on rump.
Lou : He sounds like a very familiar fellow.
Ilinca: Sure is familiar. We got only one jack-ass in village, see same one every day. How he not look familiar? Only time he bother is when wants his oats.
Lou: His oats?
Ilinca: Sure, somebody got to take bucket of oats to him, soon as he hear everyone else sit down for dinner inside house. He make big bother then, running around outside, kicking and making big noise, he no let us forget he is hungry jack ass. Soon as he gets oats, he calm down.
Lou: I’m glad to hear he finally behaves himself. That’s no way to ask for dinner.
Ilinca: Well, what else can he do? After dinner, jack ass no bother for rest of day, unless he walk out in street of village.
Lou; Does he make trouble in the street?
Ilinca: That nice way to put, Lou. I like. Sure, somebody got to go out with shovel, clean up after jack ass if he make trouble in street.
Lou: Don’t they have plumbing, or outhouses or something like that in Scramsylvania?
Ilinca: Sure, we got plenty outhouses. Some people even got indoor plumbing. But what good that for jack ass? Plumbing is for people, not for big hairy animal.
Lou: Ilinca, you shouldn’t say such things. He may be big and he may be hairy, but after all, every boy has a mother somewhere. Think how it would hurt her if she heard you talking about her son like that.
Ilinca: Oh Lou, you funny boy.
Lou: Me?
Ilinca: Sure, whole time when I talking about jack ass, you think I talking about man.
Lou: Weren’t you?
Ilinca: No, I talking about real jack ass, not man make jack ass out of self.
Lou: Oh. I bet you think I’m pretty silly.
Ilinca: No, I no think you silly Lou. You sweet boy. I like you.
Lou:You do?
Ilinca: Sure, you believe all kinds of things, it make what I doing so much easier.
Lou; Makes what easier, Ilinca?
Ilinca: Oh, nothing, I guess I just thinking out loud. What we talking about before get we get confused about jack ass?
Lou: We were talking about Scramsylvania.
Ilinca: Yes, that is right. You telling me you learn about Transylvania from movies, and now you want me tell you about Scramsylvania.
Lou: That’s right.
Ilinca; Well, what you want to know?
Lou: Tell me what it’s like there, in Scramsylvania.
Ilinca: Is lot like Transylvania.
Lou: How much is a lot?
Ilinca: Well, you tell me what kind movies you see about Transylvania, I tell you how much like Scramsylvania.
Lou: Which movies? Let’s see, first there’s Frankenstein.
Ilinca: Ya, is lot like Frankenstein.
Lou: The Wolf-man?
Ilinca: Is lot like Wolf-man too.
Lou: And Dracula?
Ilinca: Is like Dracula most of all.
Lou; Oh. I was afraid you were going to say that.
Ilinca: Why? What is trouble?
Lou: Oh, no trouble. I just want to make sure I understand what you’re talking about, without jumping to any false conclusions on my own.
Ilinca: You mean like jack ass?
Lou: That’s exactly what I mean. Now, can you give me an example of what you mean when you say your home is like the movie Dracula?
Ilanca: Example? Sure, you remember Borga Pass in Dracula story?
Lou: Borga Pass? With the wolves and the strange noises in the night and the mysterious coach driver?
Ilinca: That the place. People from our village, we walk by Borga Pass all the time.
Lou: How — how is your home like the Wolf-man?
Ilinca; You remember gypsy who tell fortune of Larry Talbot? ‘Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.’?
Lou: I wish I didn’t, but I do.
Ilinca: We got gypsies tell same fortunes today.
Lou: That same gypsy, her daughter, tells the same fortune to tourists today?
Ilinca; All the time.
Lou: Do you get many tourists in Scramsylvania?
Ilinca: That depends on how you look at it.
Lou: On how you look at it?
Ilinca: Sure, if you look at tourists coming into country, you see plenty of tourists. But, if you look at tourists leaving country, you not see so many.
Lou: Oh, I get it, they come in, but they don’t get out.
Ilinca: That’s right.
Lou: What am I saying? They don’t get out! Werewolves, vampires!
Ilinca: Anything else you want to know about Scramsylvania?
Lou: I’ll probably wish I never asked, but how is Scramsylvania like the movie Frankenstein?
Ilinca: Why you wish you never ask? Scramsylvania like movie Frankenstein for simplest reason. Nothing scary.
Lou: No, nothing scary?
Ilinca: No. No Borga Pass, no gypsies telling scary fortune.
Lou: I’m awful glad to hear you say that.
Ilinca: Sure you glad, Wait till you hear rest: is simply from window of house I can see ruins of tower where Baron von Frankenstein put together pieces of dead bodies and bring monster to life.
Lou: From your window you can see the ruins of the tower where Baron Frankenstein put together the pieces of dead bodies and brought the monster to life?
Ilinca: That’s right.
Lou: And that’s not scary?
Ilinca: Sure, nobody seen monster for a long time. Not like Dracula and were-wolves.
Lou: Nobody has seen the Frankenstein monster for a long time?
Ilinca: No, he usually come out after big thunderstorm, you know, I think lightning get him charged up. Then he go roaming around countryside, looking for his Bride.
Lou: All these years, he still roams around the countryside, looking for his Bride? Hasn’t he found her?
Ilinca: If he find Bride, why he still roam? Be pretty silly monster(to self) or else dirty, no good wolf, always chasing some blonde Betty. (to Lou) No, I think she play hard to get. Nobody seen Bride of Frankenstein for many years.
Lou: Aren’t you scared you’ll run into the Frankenstein monster one night while he’s out roaming? I mean, what do people do?
Ilinca; We take precautions. We got precautions against all the monsters.
Lou: You do? What are they? I’d like to know, in case I ever run into one of them.
Ilinca: Well, first for Frankenstein monster, he is afraid of fire, you remember? So in village in Scramsylvania, we all carry torch with us all the time.
Lou: A torch, all the time? Do you have it with you now?
Ilinca: Sure I got. Is not lit, but I show you, here it is.
Lou: That’s a torch? That looks kind of small.
Ilinca: Is convenient travel size. Big torch at home, not fit in bag. So, I carry torch all the time, just in case of Frankenstein monster.
Lou: Okay, just so I don’t forget, you carry a torch just in case of Frankenstein monster?
Ilinca: That’s right. Then there are the were-wolves. For the were-wolves we got the silver bullet. You remember how the only way to stop the were- wolf is with silver bullet? Let me see, it here somewhere. . .ah, here it is, see silver bullet. I carry all the time, just in case of were-wolf. Then for Dracula and other vampires, we got the cross. She, here is cross, I wear around my neck.
Lou: I see, you carry the silver bullet just in case of were-wolves, and wear the cross just in case of vampires.
Ilinca: Well, the silver bullet I carry only in case of were-wolf, but I wear cross anyway, vampire or no vampire. Still, is nice to know vampires afraid of cross.
Lou: Okay, I get it.
Ilinca: Look here, Lou. I got extra silver bullet. You like to take extra silver bullet?
Lou: A silver bullet? For me?
Ilinca: Sure, to protect you, in case of were-wolf.
Lou: I think I’d better not. I could get in a lot of trouble carrying a silver bullet around at school.
Ilinca: You no carry round at school. School is in daytime. Were-wolf only come out at at night, after sun go down, and moon in sky.
Lou: Really, only at night?
Ilinca: Sure, you no remember movie?
Lou: That’s right, they only come out at night, like in the movie.
Ilinca: Ya and only on nights of full moon, not so much to worry about as vampire, could come out any night.
Lou: That’s right. Oh, Thank you Ilinca, you’ve made me feel a lot better already. Were-wolves only come out during a full moon; that’s only a few nights a month.
Ilinca: Sure, like tonight.
Lou: Tonight? There’s going to be a full moon tonight?
Ilinca: Ya, Full moon is tonight.
Lou: Are you sure?
Ilinca: People live in Scramsylvania always sure when is going to be full moon. That’s why I double-check, make sure I got silver bullet before sun goes down.
Lou: Come to think of it Ilinca, I would like to take that extra silver bullet, if you don’t mind.
Ilinca: Sure, here is bullet.
Lou: Ilinca, I just thought of something. A silver bullet isn’t any good against the were-wolf, unless you fire it from a rifle.
Ilinca: Rifle?
Lou: Yeah, you know, Pow!
Ilinca: Yeah, rifle. Well, I tell you Lou, I no can bring rifle from my country to America.
Lou: That’s right, I forgot. But, when you’re at home, on the nights of the full moon, do you carry a rifle?
Ilinca: Ah, my little rifle Lou.
Lou: Your little rifle?
Ilinca: Ya, my father give me small rifle, was his ever since he was boy. Papa called it his squirrel- gun.
Lou: Did your father hunt squirrel?
Ilinca: No, he no hunt. We got plenty food, and no got time be chasing animals with rifle. He call it squirrel gun because light and easy for small boy or girl to use. No kick. Papa what you call marksman.
Lou: A marksman? You mean he was an expert at hitting targets?
Ilinca: That’s it, he shoot at targets, always hits the bulls-eyes. When Papa in military, he win plenty medals for marksmanships. Because of Papa, his outfit always win shooting competition with other units in military. After Papa done with service in military, he still like to shoot, so he enter contests whenever he can. One day he enter big contest with best marksmen from all over whole region, and what you think?
Lou: Did your father win?
Ilinca: You bet he won. And you know what else? First prize for winner was brand new rifle. Finest rifle made for target shooting. Papa very happy with prize rifle, but he still like his little squirrel gun. So he teach me all about safety, how to clean rifle, everything he learn in military, and how to shoot, be expert shot like him, then he give me his squirrel gun, so I have rifle to shoot silver bullet at were-wolf.
Lou: I bet you felt safer, having that squirrel gun with you during a full moon, just in case.
Ilinca: Ya, was good feeling to know I was prepared, just in case. Was good little rifle, I was good shot too. I miss my little squirrel gun, especially when is full moon.
Lou: Miss it? What happened?
Ilinca: Is long story Lou. Start six, seven years ago, when I little girl. I really not follow story because I so young, Uncle Grigore, he follow story. What I learn from him is that about that time we have big change in our country.
Lou: Big change?
Ilinca; Ya, new leaders get elected, start passing all kind of laws, make government bigger, say they going to do all kinds of things for the people.
Lou: What kinds of things?
Ilinca: I don’t know. Uncle Grigore, he maybe know. One thing I tell you is I keep hearing how people not get along so well like when I was little girl, but I say to myself, what happened? We same people as before, now with new government we told we no get along with each other, how this possible?
Lou: Sure sounds strange. So what happened to your rifle?
Ilinca: Oh, ya. Remember I tell you government started passing all kind of laws? One day they pass law make it illegal for citizen to own gun.
Lou: Did they come to your house?
Ilinca: No, one night, during full moon, I was out with torch and silver bullet and squirrel gun–
Lou: And your cross.
Ilinca: Ya, and cross, right here. Anyway, there I was, keeping eye out for vampire and were-wolves, when what you think? Man see me, shout, ‘hey little girl, what you got there? ‘ then come up to me, looking at me like I some kind of criminal, he show me what you call– credentials from government, and he say I no more can own this rifle, and he take it from me.
Lou: Just like that?
Ilinca: Ya. Big government take my squirrel-gun away.
Lou: So now what will you do if you see a were-wolf?
Ilinca: Now what I do? I show were-wolf silver bullet and hope for best.
Lou: I don’t think that will do much good.
Ilinca: You telling me. Make me more careful to not walk around at time of full moon.
Lou: Didn’t your government suggest any plan to protect yourselves?
Ilinca: They do more than suggest. When they take away guns, they give us whistle to blow on.
Lou: A whistle?
Ilinca: Yes.
Lou: To blow on?
Ilinca: That’s right. Make plenty loud noise.
Lou: Is that to frighten the werewolf away?
Ilinca: No, loud noise so government man can hear, and know where to look for body.
Lou: At least since tonight is a full moon we’re together with our two silver bullets. You don’t think a were-wolf will come out early tonight, do you?
Ilinca: I don’t think we got to worry about that. Every were-wolf I ever see or hear about wait till after dark. Remember, is something about full moon rising in sky.
Lou; That’s right. At least we’re safe until it gets dark.
Ilinca: Lou, is my turn to ask you something. Whole time we talk, I keep thinking you look familiar to me. Where I see you before?
Lou: At the Little Theatre.
Ilinca; Little Theatre?
Lou; Sure, you know, at Milford High, I’ve seen you there, working on the play.
Ilinca: Oh, is that where I see you? I guess I too busy to pay much attention. That’s right, now you remind me, your cousins, Joan and Bonita, and Huntz, they all there too. You are all what is called ‘student director’ am I right?
Lou: That’s right. Although there isn’t much to direct.
Ilinca: Not much to direct? What you mean?
Lou: I mean that show that Professor guy brought with him. Whose idea was it to bring in a cultural exchange director for this show anyway? And why couldn’t he let us do Peppa Pig, like we were going to do? Instead he brings in some play called Stonehenge Jr.
Ilinca: You no like Stonehenge Jr.?
Lou: No like? What’s to like? There is no set, no costumes, no props, and hardly any lines. The performers just sit around in a circle and pretend they are a bunch of stones, communicating in soft monotones with each other, contemplating the effects of wind and weather on their grey surfaces. Whose idea of a play is that? Usually the work shop has two or three moms and dads, and the dressing room is full of moms doing costumes and make up all through rehearsal, but because of this dreary show we’re doing, the whole backstage area is empty. Almost all the rehearsals are done is Ms. Weeks’ room. I walk into the Little Theatre most days and I don’t see a single living person, except that Professor fellow and the strange guy, Plamen. Why are they hanging around inside the Little Theatre if there is nothing to do on the stage, and all the performers are out in another room?
Ilinca: They love The Stage?
Lou: The stage, that’s another thing. Do you know that sometimes when I’m in there all alone, not even the Professor or Plamen anywhere in sight, and I sit real still, I hear noises under the stage?
Ilinca: Noises? What kind of noises?
Lou: How should I know what kind of noises? Muffled noises, like somebody looking for something or moving things around under there.
Ilinca: This not good that you hear these noises.
Lou: You bet it’s not good, and thanks to you Ilinca, I’m going to get to the bottom of it.
Ilinca: Thanks to me?
Lou: That’s right. When I think of how brave you are when any time you could run into a vampire or a werewolf or the Frankenstein monster, I feel ashamed for being such a coward. I intend to find out what is going on at the Little Theatre, now matter how dangerous it may be.
Ilinca: You got any ideas?
Lou: No. You?
Ilinca: No, I got no clue.
Lou; The first thing is to think of the possible suspects.
Ilinca: Suspects?
Lou: Yeah. When solving a mystery, you always have to consider who all the suspects are. Let’s see, there’s a whole list of characters who could have any reason for being up to no good. The worst of the bunch is Dracula, but tonight is the full moon, so I guess we have to consider the Wolf-man too. There haven’t been any thunderstorms for a while, so I suppose we can rule out the Frankenstein monster. Then there also the people, the Professor and that Plamen, I wonder?…No, he’s definitely the one that worries me the most.
Ilinca: The Professor?
Lou: No, Dracula.
Ilinca: Oh, you think is Dracula?
Lou: I’m almost positive it’s him, although I haven’t ruled out the Wolf-man. The question is, why would Dracula be digging around under the stage at the Little Theatre? There’s only one way to find out. We’ll have to sneak in there one night, when everybody is gone and take a look around underneath the stage.
Ilinca: I don’t think he would like that.
Lou: Dracula?
Ilinca: No, the Professor.
Lou: The Professor! Why would he mind if we helped solve the mystery that was jeopardizing his show?
Ilinca: He doesn’t like distractions. Also he like to keep on tight schedule. Professor get very upset if somebody interrupt his schedule. It best we no interfere with Professors plans. You drop this whole idea, we no go dig around under stage at Little Theatre.
Lou: Dig, Ilinca, that’s it.
Ilanca: Is what?
Lou: Is the key to this whole mystery, that’s what. I see it all now. Do you know why every time I heard those noises under the stage I never saw the Professor or Plamen in the Little Theatre.
Ilinca: They was in the boy’s room?
Lou: No, they were not in the boy’s room. Do you know how I know that?
Ilinca: I suppose you going to tell me?
Lou: You’re darn right I’m going to tell you. It’s because it must have been those two, the Professor and Plamen, I heard under the stage. And do you know what they were doing under there?
Ilinca: Digging?
Lou: No.
Ilinca: Buy you said digging was key to mystery.
Lou: That’s right. That’s what I said. But Plamen and the Professor weren’t digging, no, but they were moving big boxes of something that had already been dug.
Ilinca: Big boxes? Of what big boxes?
Lou: Dirt.
Ilinca: Dirt?
Lou: Yes, and do you know where the dirt comes from? From Transylvania, that’s where. And do you know why the dirt is from Transylvania? Because a vampire has to rest during the day somewhere dark in a coffin filled with dirt from his home land, and that proves that Dracula is the one behind all this! He is turning the Little Theatre into his secret hiding place.
Ilinca: Dracula do that?
Lou: Yes he do.
Ilinca: Dracula? Yes, Lou, I see now what you mean. Makes sense that Dracula is one behind strange noises at Little Theatre. But wait a minute. If Dracula in Little Theatre, we got to get kids out of there, got to stop whole show. Tell everybody stay away from Little Theatre. I pretty sure in little while Professor and Plamen leave Milford for different place. Dracula go with them, I positive of that. Then you nice peoples got nothing to worry about. No mysteries, no vampire, no Professor, no Plamen. Only please tell everybody stay away from Little Theatre till they gone.
Lou: No Ilinca, we can’t do that.
Ilinca: Why not?
Lou: We have to get proof.
Ilinca: Proof? What proof?
Lou: Like I said, we have to sneak into the Little Theatre, tonight, when everybody is gone and while Dracula is out. We have to crawl in under the stage, and find those coffins, and get some of the Transylvanian dirt, and maybe something in there with Dracula’s crest on it, and bring it out and show it to everyone else.
Ilinca: What if Dracula comes back while we still in there?
Lou: I didn’t think of that. Do you think it would be pretty bad if he found us?
Ilinca: I think so. I think Dracula be plenty mad if he come back from being big terror to innocent people and find us digging up dirt from his coffins.
Lou: You do?
Ilinca: Ya, I think he do that hipsnosis thing with his eyes, then when we are powerless in his spell, I think maybe he be big terror to us too, maybe drink our blood.
Lou: Did you say blood?
Ilinca: Ya, blood. What’s the matter, Lou? You don’t look so good all of a sudden.
Lou: I don’t feel so good all of a sudden. I guess I’m just a big coward after all. Can you help me think of another plan, one where you and I don’t ever have to come face to face with Dracula?
Ilinca: Another plan? One where you and I no have to be face to face with Dracula? Boy, that pretty tough. Wait a minute, what I saying? Of course, how silly of me to forget.
Lou: Forget what Ilinca?
Ilinca: Van Helsing, vampire slayer. That’s it, why I not think of before? Great-great grandson of Van Helsing live near our village. We get hold of Van Helsing. He fix those vampires.
Lou: You mean he’ll come here, and help us?
Ilinca: Sure he will. Van Helsing always help people with vampires.
Lou: This is wonderful Ilinca. You’re certainly a big help. I’m so glad you’re here.
Ilinca: Thank you Lou. But you got to promise something. You got to promise not to tell anyone what we suspect, and don’t send anyone crawling around under stage of Little Theatre looking for anything. Not even a peek. I make sure kids rehearse in teachers room, so they not in any danger. I want make sure no one gets hurt, okay? Soon as Van Helsing gets here, he take a look around, right away he will know what to do. He fix vampires good, then Professor and Plamen will leave and no bother you people no more, and everybody be okay. But you got to promise Lou.
Lou: Okay Ilinca, I promise. I won’t say anything to the others.
Ilinca: Good. Now we got to go find Uncle Grigore, he is one knows how to get hold of Van Helsing.
Lou: He must still be in the wax museum.
Ilinca: Ya, that’s what I think too. Well, looks like we got to see wax monsters after all. You ready?
Lou: Do I have to go in there?
Ilinca: It make you feel better if I hold your hand?
Lou: Hold my hand, right out here in front of everybody?
Ilinca: Sure, here, all the way to wax museum.
Lou: I feel kind of embarrassed. What will people think if they see us holding hands?
Ilinca: They no think anything about boy and girl holding hands. Unless you get carried away.
Lou: Me, carried away? How?
Ilinca: If first you take hold my one hand, like this, then you take hold my other hand like this. Then you let go both hands and put your arms around me like this, and pull me close like this, and then you look into my dark eyes and you say, in deep husky voice (does deep husky voice) Ah, Ilinca my dark-eyed beauty, how I have longed for this moment to hold you in my arms. Now, my little sweet potato, now that I have you in my big strong arms, I will put my burning lips next to your soft, trembling lips and kiss you so you never forget. (resumes normal voice) And then you kiss me, just like you say, big, long he-man kiss. That is carried away.
Lou: Ilinca?
Ilinca: Yes Lou?
Lou: I think I’m ready to go face those monsters now.
Ilinca; (laughing) Okay big boy, let’s go.
They exit together towards Main Street as lights go down.
End of Act One.
copyright 2017 r.k.morris