Continued from Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum -Act One opening

 

Cesar:  Excuse me, my dear young lady.

Joan:  Me?

Cesar: Yes, you.( Stoops to pick up notebook.  Presents it to Joan.) I believe you drop this.

Joan: Me?

Cesar:  Yes, you, my charming young feminine female.  Never before do I see such feminine charm.

Joan:  Me?

Cesar: (To Uncle Charlie)  She got trouble with  voice?

Uncle Charlie:  Her voice is fine, I think she is perhaps a trifle surprised.

Cesar: What is trifle?

Uncle Charlie:  Little bit.

Cesar:  Little bit, big bit.  What surprise?  Is just Cesar, right here in how you say ‘broad daylight’.  Is no surprise.

Uncle Charlie:  What I meant was, I believe the way in which you spoke to her came as a surprise.

Cesar:  What?  Surely this lovely young woman is no surprised to hear admiring teenage boys, like Cesar, pay attentions to her lovely self.

Uncle Charlie:  Perhaps it would help if I were to start introductions.  You, I take it, are named Cesar.  I am Uncle Charlie,  I mean, I am their Uncle Charlie, and this is my niece Joan, and another niece Bonita, and these are my nephews Lou and Huntz.  Joan and Bonita and Lou and Huntz are all cousins.

Cesar:  All big family, that nice, all together,  like my family.   It is very much pleasure to meet you.  I am Cesar Valeriu Andreica, at your service.  I hope I was not too bold in approaching you, it is just that since I come to visit America only yesterday, I have not had much chance to make acquaintance with young teen age people my own age.

Uncle Charlie:  Just what is your age, Cesar?

Cesar:  My age, well let me see I think I just a little bit older than cousin Joan.  I guess you maybe fifteen years.

Joan:  Sixteen on my next birthday.

Cesar:  There, what I tell you?  I sixteen now, be seventeen my next birthday.

Uncle Charlie:  You are sixteen years old you say?

Cesar:  Sure.  I be seventeen in August.

Uncle Charlie:  That is a very luxuriant moustache you have  for a sixteen year old, Cesar.

Cesar:  Luxuriant?  What is luxuriant?

Uncle Charlie:  Growing with vigor and in great abundance.

Cesar:  Oh, sure.  You Like?  You should see before I shave.

Uncle Charlie:  Before you shaved?

Cesar: Sure.  I shave most of it off before I fly to your country; not want to pay for extra weight on airplane.  Ha ha, I make  joke.  You like?  Pretty good, eh?  I tell you what though, if you think my moustache is something, you should see my fathers moustache.

Uncle Charlie:  Very impressive, is it?

Cesar:  Impressive?  You bet impressive.  Papa shaves this much off every day before breakfast.

Uncle Charlie:  Amazing.

Cesar:  Oh ho, I know you are thinking sounds kind of crazy, but all the men in my family like that.  We, what’s the word, mature, very early.  I been shaving ever since I was ten.  All the boys in my family have moustache like this by time they sixteen.

Uncle Charlie:  As you say, they mature at an early age.

Cesar:  Sure, my whole village  like that.  You know we got no boys choir in our church?

Uncle Charlie: No?

Cesar:  No, by time boys old enough to hold music, voice has changed.

Uncle Charlie:  Remarkable.  Must be something in the water.

Cesar;  Sure, we got good water.  Comes from  mountain.  All very strong, very healthy.  We live good long lives, get married,  always have plenty  children.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes.  Perhaps we are getting ahead of ourselves.  I notice a young lady with you.

Cesar:  Oh, please forgive me,  In  excitement to meet you lovely people, especially Joan, I forgot about my Ilinca. Please, allow me to introduce to you kind people this lovely young lady with the lovely black hair and the beautiful dark eyes and, er, other beautiful parts, my sister, Ilinca.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s quite an introduction.

Cesar:  Sure,  why not?  Ilinca quite a sister.

Ilinca:  How do you do?   Is nice to meet all of you.

Cesar:  Ilinca is one beautiful young woman, no?  Any man, I mean  teenage boy like me, would be glad to have her for his, how you say, sweetheart.

Uncle Charlie:  Have you Ilinca, a special young man, a sweetheart, as we say?

Ilinca:  Sure, I got sweetheart.  He nice fellow, sometimes.

Uncle Charlie:  Do you miss him, being away from home?

Ilinca:  No, I no miss him.  I got sweetheart right here in America.

Cesar:  What? Who this fellow? I break his arms if he touch you with even one finger.

Uncle Charlie:  Cesar, you sound almost jealous.  Surely as a brother, you cannot object to Ilincaa having a sweetheart.

Cesar:  Sure, sure.  I her brother.  I no jealous.  I only mean, I break his arms if he no  present himself first to Mama and Papa, to get their approval.  How American boy get approval from Mama and Papa when they at home in our village?

Ilinca:  Cesar, don’t be silly.  Sweetheart is not American boy.

Cesar: No?

Ilinca: No, is boy from our village, just like you.

Cesar:   Like me? Oh.  Oh, yes, like me.  That’s okay then.  You bet, Ilinca got plenty nice sweetheart.

Uncle Charlie:  It’s very good of you to look out for your sister, Cesar.

Cesar:  Sure.  You bet, even though she older, I look out for her, just same as if she little sister.  Ouch!

Uncle Charlie:  What is it?

Cesar:  I don’t know.  Strange pain in foot all of sudden. (Aside to Ilinca)  Why you stomp on foot like that?

Ilinca:  (Aside to Cesar)  Why you tell them I older sister?  I younger than you.  You tell them I younger sister!

Cesar: (Aside to Ilinca) Listen, how they believe you younger sister when I tell them I only sixteen years?  Nobody going to believe you fourteen years.

Ilinca:  (Aside to Cesar)Then you tell them I am fifteen years, same as Joan.

Cesar:  (Aside to Ilinca)Fourteen, fifteen, makes no difference, nobody going to believe that.

Ilinca:  (Aside to Cesar)  You tell them, or you walk with limp rest of day.

Cesar: (Aside to Ilinca)  Okay, okay, I tell them you fifteen years, but I no like. (To all)  Excuse me folks, I make mistake.  Ilinca not my older sister, she my younger sister.

Uncle Charlie:  You made a mistake about which one of you was older?

Cesar:  Sure, happens to me all the time.  I got another sister, Daciana, she the older one.  All the times I get Daciana and Ilinca mixed up.  Ilinca is younger sister.  She much nicer too.   Sweet temper.   She never hurt nobody, right Ilinca?

Ilinca:  Nobody that don’t have it coming to them.

Uncle Charlie:  You are the younger sister, Ilinca?  Just  how young are you?

Natasha:  Fifteen.

Uncle Charlie:  Fifteen?

Cesar:  But she be sixteen pretty soon, in June.  Girls drink same water as boys, grow up fast.

Uncle Charlie:  In June!?  Your father must be impetuous.

Cesar: No, he no in Texas.  Papa home in village with Mama, just like I tell you few minutes ago.

Natasha:  My brother Cesar make mistake.  I be sixteen in October.  It is sister Daciana who have birthday in June.

Uncle Charlie:  October, yes, I see.  Still, your mother must be a remarkable woman.

Cesar:    Sure she remarkable, she my mother!

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, I should say she has quite a constitution.

Cesar:  No, she got good digestion, same as rest of family.  What about you, you got stomach problems?

Uncle Charlie:  No, my stomach is fine.  What I meant was, your mother must be a very strong woman, made of sturdy stuff.

Cesar:  Sure, she sturdy, strong woman, my mother.  To look at her you think she just like soft flower, very pretty and delicate, but she very strong, I tell you.  One time she wrestle bear.

Bonita:  A bear?!

Cesar:  Sure, was trained bear, but still bear.  One time gypsies camp near village.  Whole town go out to see.  Gypsies play music, tell fortunes, do tricks with flaming swords, you know; when bear walks up to Papa, give him nudge with nose.  Gypsy man see this and say ‘ Ah,  Jacaus  want to wrestle you.  This sign of honor.’  Papa start to stand up to wrestle bear when Mama say ‘ I got honor too.  You sit down, Mihai, I wrestle bear.’ So mama get up and wrestle bear.

Bonita:  Was she alright?

Cesar:  Sure she alright.  She win two out of three.   Of course before final throw, bear sneeze and how you say, lose his balance, make it easier for Mama to win, but bear no complain.  Everybody give Mama big cheer.  Bear get extra honey for being such good sport.  Much laughter, much music and dance after that.  Sure, my Mama made of sturdy stuff.  Always it good to see Papa and Mama dance and laugh together.

Huntz:  Did your father wrestle the bear after that?

Cesar:  What for he want to give up dancing with beautiful wife to wrestle bear?  You think he stupid?

Huntz:  No, no.  I didn’t mean anything like that.

Cesar:  That’s okay, cousin Huntz, I just having joke with you.  Picture of Mama and Papa dancing make me very happy.  I like to joke when I feel happy.  I hope you no mind.

Huntz:  I don’t mind.

Bonita:  We’re glad you feel so happy, and that you feel comfortable enough already to joke with us.

Cesar:  Oh sure, I get comfortable right away, soon as I like people.  I don’t waste no time.  That reminds me,  I got a question for you, maybe you can explain something to me.

Bonita:  Sure, Cesar, what is it?

Cesar:  Just in the little while I been here in Milford, I keep hearing the young people, you know, the other teengers, like Ilinca and me, talk about this Coming-home dance.

Uncle Charlie:  Coming-home?  You mean the Home coming dance?

Cesar:  Ya, that’s it!  You heard about it too?

Bonita:  I imagine just about everyone in Milford and Highland knows about the Homecoming dance.  It’s a big dance at the high school, one of the biggest events of the year.

Cesar:  A big event?  That sounds nice.  I love to dance.  Too bad I no go to school here, then I could go and dance.

Bonita:  I suppose you don’t actually have to go to Milford to go to the dance, as long as your date went to Milford.

Cesar:  My date?  You mean the young lady?  Of course, but that is problem.  I know no young ladies in Milford, except of course you, Bonita, and your charming cousin Joan.

Bonita:  That is a problem.  I already have a date for the dance , —

Cesar:  Miss Joan?

Joan: Yes?

Cesar:  No,  I cannot ask you.  I got to do this the right way

Joan: Do what?

Cesar:  You see.  Uncle Charlie, you are the uncle of this charming young lady, this Joan standing here right next to us,  right?

Uncle Charlie:  That is correct, Cesar.

Cesar:  Then it is my privilege sir, to ask you if I may have the honor of escorting your niece Joan to the big event, the Homecoming dance.

Uncle Charlie:  I’d like to oblige you Cesar, but I hardly think it’s my place.  You should speak to Joan’s parents.

Joan:  No, Uncle Charlie!

Uncle Charlie:  What is wrong with that suggestion, dear?

Joan:  We’re wasting time.  I mean, it seems like an awful lot of trouble to go tracking down Mom and Dad, when you can settle things right away, I mean, after all, we’re a very close family, and they trust your judgement.

Uncle Charlie: Joan, don’t put me in this spot.

Joan:  Uncle Charlie, please?

Uncle Charlie: Alright dear, I’ll do it, on one condition.

Joan:  Thank you Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  Listen to my condition before you get too excited.

Joan: Alright, name it.

Uncle Charlie: It’s simply this: that if your mother and father object or show the least hesitation in allowing you to attend the dance with this young man, the whole thing is off, and no hard feelings.  Agreed?

Joan:  Agreed.  But you’ll let me tell them about him in my own way?

Uncle Charlie:  Fair enough, as long as I am present to make sure you don’t leave out any important details.

Joan:  Alright.

Uncle Charlie:  Very well then.  Cesar, as the senior member of this family present, and acting on behalf of my sister and brother-in-law, and pending their final approval of the arrangement, I give you permission to escort my niece Joan to the Homecoming dance.

Cesar:  Oh boy!  Thank you Uncle Charlie.  You no be sorry.  I make good escort for Joan.  We have good time, but no monkey business, not even on  dance floor.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s fine Cesar.

Cesar:  Yes sir, I telling you.  You can trust Cesar.  Whole time on dance floor, these hands, see?  One hand here, holds her hand, her soft, dainty hand, and one hand here, in middle of back.  No slipping down of the hand, no, no.  I be a perfect gentleman the whole time.

Uncle Charlie:  I am sure Joan’s parents will be glad to hear that.

Cesar:  They not the only ones.

Uncle Charlie: I beg your pardon?

Cesar:  I was  thinking of–of my mother.  Always she wants me to be a perfect gentleman.  She so sweet.  She get hurt if she think I no act like gentleman.  Ilinca knows.  Isn’t that right, Ilinca?

Ilinca:  That’s right, Cesar.

Cesar:  And I was thinking how pleased Mama will be when she finds out what a perfect gentleman I am at  Homecoming dance.

Ilinca:  That’s right Cesar.  She  be pleased.  And you be plenty sorry if you do something that not please Mama.

Cesar: Oh, trust me, Ilanca, I not do anything that not please Mama.

Ilinca:  You such a good boy, Cesar.  I tell Mama all about what perfect gentleman you are at Homecoming dance.

Cesar:  Oh…Thank you Ilinca.

Enter Grigore

Ilinca:  Cesar, look, is Uncle Grigore.  We over here, Uncle Grigore.  Cesar, call Uncle Grigore, so he see us.

Cesar:  Oh, yes, Uncle Grigore, we over here.

Grigore:  Here you two.  I look all up and down the Main Street for you.

Ilinca:  What’s that Uncle Grigore, you got a little problem, you need to ask about all alone?  Okay, just a second.  Excuse me folks, Uncle Grigore, need to talk to me all alone.  I be just a minute.  (pulls Grigore aside)  Listen, I no got time to explain right now, you just need to know that Cesar and I pretend to be brother and sister.  Also he pretend be only sixteen years and I only fifteen years.

Grigore:  Why you pretend such things?

Ilinca:  Like I say, I no got time to explain, only that we got to fool those kids. You recognize those kids?

Grigore:  Sure, they high school students help with play in Little Theatre.  Why you want fool those kids?  They nice kids.

Ilinca:  We got to fool them so maybe we find out what they know.  Cesar, he’s sitting here for long time, he hears them talk all about strange things going on at Little Theatre.  We no want them get in way of plans to find treasure.

Grigore: Ilinca, I no like this.  You hiding around Little Theatre, look for treasure, more like thief in night.  Why big secret, why Professor make all these pretends?  Now you want fool these nice kids.  I say you let Professor find treasure on own, we go home now, leave this before trouble start.

Ilinca:  No!  We got to help Professor find treasure, otherwise he no pay us,  Cesar and I wait long time get married.  This our big chance to have enough money, get married.

Grigore:  Don’t take so much money get married.  We go home, I give you my little bit money, then you and Cesar get married.

Ilinca:  Uncle Grigore, you so kind, but no, I no can take your money.  Besides, we got to do this.  I think if we try leave now, there be even more trouble.  Professor maybe get angry, and Plamen …

Grigore:  Plamen make threats at you?

Ilinca:  No, he no make threats, but I no like look in his eyes.  I tell you, that Plamen, he frightens me.  We stay, finish job for Professor, then, after he pay us, we go home, forget all about this bad business.

Grigore:  Okay, we stay, you finish job for Professor, but I no like.  What you want me do?

Ilinca:  Just pretend Cesar and  I brother and sister, and that we teen-agers, like I tell you.  Also, I tell you now,  worst part is Cesar pretend to have big crush on Joan.  I want you watch him, Uncle Grigore, make sure he behave.

Grigore:  Okay Ilinca.  I watch Cesar.  Also I pretend, but I no like fooling nice kids.  Who is man with kids?

Ilinca:  He is  Uncle Charlie.  He nice too, just like kids.  We make friends right away.

Grigore:  You think you fool Uncle Charlie too?

Ilinca:  Sure, he believe everything Cesar and I tell them.  Now come on, I introduce you now. (To others)  Every body, Uncle Charlie, Joan, Bonita, Lou, and Huntz, I want introduce you to my, and Cesar’s , Uncle Grigore.  Uncle Grigore, this everybody like I just say.

Grigore:  How you do everybody? Is nice to meet you.

Uncle Charlie:  Nice to meet you too Grigore, or should I call you Uncle Grigore, since your niece and nephew have been kind enough to adopt me as their uncle?

Grigore:  That’s okay Uncle Charlie; I no mind either way, you can call me Grigore, or you can call me Uncle Grigore, same goes for kids too.

Bonita:  Well, Uncle Grigore, we were just about to go see the Milford Wax Museum.  Would you care to join us?

Lou: Remember, count me out.  I’m not going anywhere near those monsters, even if they are made of wax.

Ilinca:  Monsters?  What monsters, Lou?

Lou:  The Wolf-man, and Dracula, and the Frankenstein monster and the Bride of Frankenstein.

Ilinca:  Bride of Frankenstein, really?  Is cosy, no?

Lou:  Cosy or no cosy, I’m not going in there.  I’ll just stay out here, in the sunshine, with the bright leaves, and the fresh air, and no monsters.

Grigore:  You no like the monsters, Lou?

Lou:  No, not me.

Grigore:  Not even make-believe?

Lou:  No sir.  I’ll take my chances out here in the sunshine.

Grigore:  How you know there no monsters out here?

Lou:  If there were monsters out here, I would see them.

Grigore:  What about Invisible Man?

Lou:  The Invisible Man wasn’t a monster, he was a man.

Grigore:  Sure, same as Wolf-man is man until he turn into werewolf.

Lou:  (Utters frightened exclamation)  What was that?  I thought I felt some one breathing down my neck.

Uncle Charlie:  Relax Lou, there is no one behind you.

Lou:  How do you know?  If he’s invisible, you wouldn’t see him.

Ilinca:  You know Lou, I no want to see monsters either.  I stay out here in sunshine with you.  Invisible Man no bother both of us, if we stay close together.

Lou:  You mean you’ll stay out here and protect me, I mean keep me company?

Ilinca:  Sure, I stay with you.

Uncle Charlie:  What about you, Cesar, Uncle Grigore, would you care to join us?

Cesar:  You going, Miss Joan?

Joan:  It does sound a little creepy, but I’ll go if you do.

Cesar:  Sure, then we have time to talk before dance.  I like to hear all about you, about things you do.

Joan:  The dance isn’t until Saturday night.

Cesar:  Good, that gives us more time.   Well, I ready.  We go see wax museum now?

Ilinca:  Uncle Grigore, I think you go with Cesar and others.  Keep eye on him, make sure he no get into trouble.

Cesar:  Me?  What kind of trouble?

Ilinca:  Uncle Grigore knows, right Uncle Grigore?

Grigore:  Sure, I know.  Well, what we waiting for?  Let’s go to wax museum.

Bonita:  We have to follow Uncle Charlie.  He has to show us  to the wax museum.

Grigore:  Sure, we all go together, but what for Uncle Charlie got to show us?  Is right over there.

Uncle Charlie:  Say that again please, Uncle Grigore.

Grigore:  You mean about wax museum?  Is right over there.

Uncle Charlie:  Over there?

Grigore:  Sure, by door with sign that say ‘Opera House Built 1875.’  Right between restaurant and bride’s dress shop.

Uncle Charlie:  Then you really can see it.

Grigore:  Sure I see.  All the time I keep eyes open, look out for little niece, and nephew.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s amazing.

Grigore:  Not so amazing.  I make promise to sister I look out for Ilinca, and Cesar.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes,  but what I meant was that you could see the wax museum at all.

Grigore:  What so amazing about that?  Wax museum right out in open, right  in big building, right between other business.

Bonita:  What do you think it means, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  I don’t know dear, it’s as big a mystery to me as how most people can’t see the museum at all.  We’ll have to ask Mort about this.  I can’t explain.

Grigore:  Is no big mystery. When you live in Carpathian mountains, you see lots of things no can explain.

Uncle Charlie:  The Carpathian mountains, is that your home?

Grigore:  Sure, I live there whole life, same as niece and nephew here.

Uncle Charlie;  It sounds very interesting,  Perhaps you could tell me more about it as we go?

Grigore:  Sure, I tell you.

Uncle Charlie:  Ilinca, Lou, are you two sure you won’t join us?

Ilinca:  We okay right here Uncle Charlie.  We see you later perhaps.

Uncle Charlie:  Okay.  Bye for now.

Exit Uncle Charlie, Joan Cesar, Bonita, Huntz and Grigore towards Main Street.

Lou:  Thanks for staying with me Ilinca.  I feel safer already.

Ilinca:  Is no trouble.  You nice boy, make me feel safe too.

Lou:  I do?

Ilinca:  Sure, you big, strong boy.

Lou: Me?

Ilinca: What’s the matter, you no believe?

Lou:  Sure, I believe.  Do you believe?

Ilinca:  Sure, why else I say if I no believe?  I think is best thing for you to stick close to Ilinca.  Like you say, is safer for both me and for you.

Lou:    Ilinca,  there is something I need to ask you.  Did I just hear Uncle Grigore say you are from the Carpathian Mountains?

Ilinca:  Ya, Sure. Carpathian Mountains.  All of us, Uncle Grigore, Cesar, and me,  Mama, Papa, all the other aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, bunicile, bunici —

Lou:  Bunici, are those some Italian relatives?

Ilinca:  No, Bunicile and bunici is grandmamma and grandpapa.  Like I say,  we all there, in village in Carpathian Mountains.  You been  Carpathian Mountains?

Lou:  No, I’ve never been there.  Aren’t the Carpathian Mountains in Transylvania?

Ilinca:  Sure, that’s right.  You been Transylvania?

Lou:  No.

Ilinca:  You know much about Transylvania?

Lou:  Only what I see in the movies.

Ilinca:  Oh,  only the movies?  That’s great.  Ask me anything you like, I can tell you plenty more about Transylvania.

Lou:  Is your village in Transylvania?

Ilinca:  No, is right next door in little country called Scramsylvania.

Lou:  Scramsylvania?  I never heard of that place before.

Ilinca:  Hardly nobody ever heard of Scramsylvania.  Is very small.  Is like–like, what is American phrase for small place, out of way?

Lou:  A one horse town?

Ilinca:  That’s it!  A one horse town,  only we got five horses, three ox-carts,   and one jack-ass.

Lou:  Only one jack-ass?  That must be a small place.  My friend Lenny says we have a lot of jack-asses in our town.

Ilinca;  Really?  I never see one.

Lou:  Neither do I, but Lenny does.  He says they’re a big bother.

Ilinca:  Whose big brother is jack-ass?

Lou:  No, no.  Not brother.  Bother. Bother.

Ilinca:  Oh, bother?  I make mistake.   No, jack-ass in our village no bother most of time.  Do his work, stand in shade under tree when not working.  He very friendly little fellow really.

Lou:  Friendly?

Ilinca:  Sure, he let you scratch behind ears, and give him nice big pat , back here, on rump.

Lou : He sounds like a very familiar fellow.

Ilinca:  Sure is familiar.  We got only one jack-ass in village, see same one every day.  How he not look familiar?   Only time he bother is when wants his oats.

Lou:  His oats?

Ilinca:  Sure, somebody got to take bucket of oats to him, soon as he hear everyone else sit down for dinner inside  house.  He make big bother then,  running around outside, kicking  and making big noise, he no let us forget he is hungry jack ass.  Soon as he gets oats, he calm down.

Lou:  I’m glad to hear he finally behaves himself.  That’s no way to ask for dinner.

Ilinca:  Well, what else can he do?  After dinner,  jack ass no bother for rest of day, unless he walk out in street of village.

Lou;  Does he make trouble in the street?

Ilinca:  That nice way to put, Lou.   I like.  Sure, somebody got to go out with shovel, clean up after jack ass if he make trouble in street.

Lou:  Don’t they have plumbing, or outhouses or something like that in Scramsylvania?

Ilinca:  Sure, we got plenty outhouses.  Some people even got indoor plumbing.  But what good that for jack ass?  Plumbing is for people, not for big hairy animal.

Lou:  Ilinca, you shouldn’t say such things. He may be big and he may be hairy, but after all, every boy has a mother somewhere.  Think how it would hurt her if she heard you talking about her son like that.

Ilinca:  Oh Lou, you funny boy.

Lou:  Me?

Ilinca:  Sure, whole time  when I talking about jack ass,  you think I talking about man.

Lou:  Weren’t you?

Ilinca:  No, I talking about real jack ass, not man make jack ass out of self.

Lou:  Oh.  I bet you think I’m pretty silly.

Ilinca:  No, I no think you silly Lou.  You sweet boy.  I like you.

Lou:You do?

Ilinca:  Sure, you believe all kinds of things, it make what I doing so much easier.

Lou;  Makes what easier, Ilinca?

Ilinca:  Oh, nothing, I guess I just thinking out loud.  What we talking about before get we get confused about jack ass?

Lou:  We were talking about Scramsylvania.

Ilinca:  Yes, that is right.  You telling me you learn about Transylvania from movies, and now you want me tell you about Scramsylvania.

Lou:  That’s right.

Ilinca;  Well, what you want to know?

Lou:  Tell me what it’s  like there, in Scramsylvania.

Ilinca:  Is lot like Transylvania.

Lou:  How much is a lot?

Ilinca:  Well, you tell me what kind movies you see about Transylvania, I tell you how much like Scramsylvania.

Lou:  Which movies?  Let’s see, first there’s Frankenstein.

Ilinca:  Ya, is lot like Frankenstein.

Lou:  The Wolf-man?

Ilinca:  Is lot like Wolf-man too.

Lou:  And Dracula?

Ilinca:  Is like Dracula most of all.

Lou;  Oh.  I was afraid you were going to say that.

Ilinca:  Why?  What is trouble?

Lou:  Oh, no trouble.  I just want to make sure I understand what you’re talking about, without jumping to any false conclusions on my own.

Ilinca:  You mean like jack ass?

Lou:  That’s exactly what I mean.  Now, can you give me an example of what you mean when you say your home is like the movie Dracula?

Ilanca:  Example?  Sure, you remember Borga Pass in Dracula story?

Lou:  Borga Pass?  With the wolves and the strange noises in the night and  the mysterious coach driver?

Ilinca:  That the place.  People from our village, we walk by Borga Pass all the time.

Lou:  How — how is your home like the Wolf-man?

Ilinca;  You remember gypsy who tell fortune of Larry Talbot?   ‘Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.’?

Lou:  I wish I didn’t, but I do.

Ilinca:  We got gypsies tell same fortunes today.   Tourists love to come hear gypsy tell scary fortune.  Same gypsy woman as tell Larry Talbot fortune still live near village.  She hundred and twenty-nine years old,   She no longer tell fortune though.  Her daughter, she tell fortune now, she only eighty-three years old.

Lou:  That same gypsy, her daughter, tells the same fortune to tourists today?

Ilinca;  All the time.

Lou:  Do you get many tourists in Scramsylvania?

Ilinca:  That depends on how you look at it.

Lou: On how you look at it?

Ilinca:  Sure, if you look at tourists coming into country, you see plenty of tourists.  But, if you look at tourists leaving country, you not see so many.

Lou:  Oh, I get it, they come in, but they don’t get out.

Ilinca:  That’s right.

Lou:  What am I saying?  They don’t get out!  Werewolves, vampires!

Ilinca:  Anything else you want to know about Scramsylvania?

Lou:  I’ll probably wish I never asked, but how is Scramsylvania like the movie Frankenstein?

Ilinca:  Why you wish you never ask?  Scramsylvania like movie Frankenstein for simplest reason.  Nothing scary.

Lou:  No, nothing scary?

Ilinca:  No.  No Borga Pass, no gypsies telling scary fortune.

Lou:  I’m awful glad to hear you say that.

Ilinca: Sure you glad,  Wait till you hear rest:  is simply from window of  house I can see  ruins of tower where Baron von Frankenstein put together pieces of dead bodies and bring monster to life.

Lou:  From your window you can see the ruins of the tower where Baron Frankenstein put together the pieces of dead bodies and brought the monster to life?

Ilinca:  That’s right.

Lou:  And that’s not scary?

Ilinca:  Sure, nobody seen monster for a long time.  Not like Dracula and were-wolves.

Lou:  Nobody has seen the Frankenstein monster for a long time?

Ilinca:  No, he usually  come out after big thunderstorm, you know, I think lightning get him charged up.  Then he go roaming around countryside, looking for his Bride.

Lou:  All these years, he still roams around the countryside, looking for his Bride?  Hasn’t he found her?

Ilinca:  If he find Bride, why he still roam?   Be pretty silly monster(to self) or else dirty, no good wolf, always chasing some blonde Betty. (to Lou)  No, I think she play hard to get.  Nobody seen Bride of Frankenstein for many years.

Lou:  Aren’t you scared you’ll run into the Frankenstein monster one night while he’s out roaming?  I mean, what do people do?

Ilinca;  We take precautions.  We got precautions against all the monsters.

Lou:  You do?  What are they?  I’d like to know, in case I ever run into one of them.

Ilinca:  Well, first for Frankenstein monster, he is afraid of fire, you remember?  So in village in Scramsylvania, we all carry torch with us all the time.

Lou:  A torch, all the time?  Do you have it with you now?

Ilinca: Sure I got.  Is not lit, but I show you, here it is.

Lou:  That’s a torch?  That looks kind of small.

Ilinca:  Is convenient travel size.  Big torch  at home, not fit in bag.  So, I carry torch all the time, just in case of Frankenstein monster.

Lou: Okay, just so I don’t forget, you carry a torch  just in case of Frankenstein monster?

Ilinca:  That’s right.  Then there are the were-wolves.  For the were-wolves we got the silver bullet.  You remember how the only way to stop the were- wolf is with  silver bullet?  Let me see, it  here somewhere. . .ah, here it is, see silver bullet.  I carry all the time, just in case of were-wolf.  Then for Dracula and other vampires, we got the cross.  She, here is cross, I wear around my neck.

Lou:  I see, you carry the silver bullet just in case of were-wolves, and wear the cross  just in case of vampires.

Ilinca:  Well, the silver bullet I carry  only in case of were-wolf, but I wear cross anyway,  vampire or no vampire.  Still, is nice to know vampires afraid of cross.

Lou:  Okay, I get it.

Ilinca:  Look here, Lou.  I got extra silver bullet.  You like to take extra silver bullet?

Lou:  A silver bullet?  For me?

Ilinca:  Sure, to protect you, in case of were-wolf.

Lou:  I think I’d better not.  I could get in a lot of trouble carrying a silver bullet around at school.

Ilinca:  You no carry round at school.  School is in daytime.  Were-wolf only come out at at night, after sun go down, and moon in sky.

Lou:  Really, only at night?

Ilinca: Sure, you no remember movie?

Lou:  That’s right, they only come out at night, like in the movie.

Ilinca:  Ya and only on nights of full moon, not so much to worry about as vampire, could come out any night.

Lou:  That’s right.  Oh, Thank you Ilinca, you’ve made me feel a lot better already.  Were-wolves only come out during a full moon; that’s only a few nights a month.

Ilinca:  Sure, like tonight.

Lou:  Tonight?  There’s going to be a full moon tonight?

Ilinca: Ya, Full moon is tonight.

Lou:  Are you sure?

Ilinca:  People live in Scramsylvania always sure when is going to be full moon.  That’s why I double-check, make sure I got silver bullet before sun goes down.

Lou: Come to think of it  Ilinca, I would like to take that extra silver bullet, if you don’t mind.

Ilinca: Sure, here  is bullet.

Lou:  Ilinca, I just thought of something.  A silver bullet isn’t any good against the were-wolf, unless you fire it from a rifle.

Ilinca:  Rifle?

Lou:  Yeah, you know, Pow!

Ilinca:  Yeah, rifle.  Well, I tell you  Lou, I no can bring rifle from my country  to America.

Lou:  That’s right, I forgot.  But, when you’re at home, on the nights of the full moon, do you carry a rifle?

Ilinca:  Ah, my little rifle Lou.

Lou:  Your little rifle?

Ilinca:  Ya, my father give me small rifle, was his ever since he was boy.  Papa called it  his squirrel- gun.

Lou:  Did your father hunt squirrel?

Ilinca:  No, he no hunt.  We got plenty food, and no got time be chasing animals with rifle.  He call it squirrel gun because light and easy for small boy or girl to use.  No kick. Papa what you call marksman.

Lou:  A marksman?  You mean he was an expert at hitting targets?

Ilinca:  That’s it, he shoot at targets, always hits the bulls-eyes.  When Papa in military, he win plenty medals for marksmanships.  Because of Papa, his outfit always win shooting competition with other units in military.  After Papa done with service in military, he still like to shoot, so he enter contests whenever he can.  One day he enter big contest with best marksmen from all over whole region, and what you think?

Lou: Did your father win?

Ilinca:  You bet he won.  And you know what else?  First prize for winner was brand new rifle.  Finest rifle made for target shooting.  Papa very happy with prize rifle, but he still like his little squirrel gun.  So he teach me all about safety, how to clean rifle,  everything he learn in military, and how to shoot, be expert shot like him,  then he give me his squirrel gun, so I have rifle to shoot silver bullet at were-wolf.

Lou:  I bet you felt safer, having that squirrel gun with you during a full moon, just in case.

Ilinca:  Ya, was good feeling to know I was prepared, just in case.  Was good little rifle, I was good shot too.  I miss my little squirrel gun, especially when is full moon.

Lou:  Miss it? What happened?

Ilinca:  Is long story Lou.  Start six, seven years ago, when I little girl.  I really not follow story because I so young, Uncle Grigore, he follow story.  What I learn from him is that about that time we have big change in our country.

Lou:  Big change?

Ilinca;  Ya, new leaders get elected, start passing all kind of laws, make government bigger, say they going to do all kinds of things for the people.

Lou: What kinds of things?

Ilinca: I don’t know.  Uncle Grigore, he maybe know.  One thing I tell you is I keep hearing how people not get along so well like when I was little girl, but I say to myself, what happened?  We same people as before, now with new government we told we no get along with each other, how this possible?

Lou:  Sure sounds strange.  So what happened to your rifle?

Ilinca:  Oh, ya.  Remember I tell you government started passing all kind of laws?  One day they pass law make it illegal for citizen to own gun.

Lou:  Did they come to your house?

Ilinca:  No, one night, during full moon, I was out with torch and silver bullet and squirrel gun–

Lou:  And your cross.

Ilinca:  Ya, and cross, right here.  Anyway, there  I was, keeping eye out for vampire and were-wolves, when what you think?  Man see me,  shout, ‘hey little girl, what you got there? ‘ then come up to me, looking at me like I some kind of criminal, he show me what you call– credentials from government, and he say  I no more can own this rifle, and he take it from me.

Lou: Just like that?

Ilinca:  Ya.  Big government take my squirrel-gun away.

Lou:  So now what will you do if you see a were-wolf?

Ilinca:  Now what I do?  I show were-wolf silver bullet and hope for best.

Lou:   I don’t think that will do much good.

Ilinca:  You telling me.   Make me more careful to not walk around at time of full moon.

Lou:  Didn’t your government suggest any plan to protect yourselves?

Ilinca:  They do more than suggest.  When they take away guns, they give us whistle to blow on.

Lou:  A whistle?

Ilinca: Yes.

Lou: To blow on?

Ilinca:  That’s right. Make plenty loud noise.

Lou:  Is that to frighten the werewolf away?

Ilinca:  No, loud noise  so government man  can hear, and know where to look for body.

Lou:   At least since tonight is a full moon we’re together with our two silver bullets.  You don’t think a were-wolf will come out early tonight, do you?

Ilinca:  I don’t think we got to worry about that.  Every were-wolf I ever see or hear about wait till after dark.  Remember, is something about full moon rising in sky.

Lou;  That’s right.  At least we’re safe until it gets dark.

Ilinca:  Lou, is my turn to ask you something.  Whole time we talk, I keep thinking you look familiar to me.  Where I see you before?

Lou:  At the Little Theatre.

Ilinca;  Little Theatre?

Lou;  Sure, you know, at Milford High, I’ve seen you there,  working on the play.

Ilinca:  Oh, is that where I see you?  I guess I too busy to pay much attention.  That’s right, now you remind me, your cousins, Joan and Bonita, and Huntz, they all there too.  You are all what is called ‘student director’ am I right?

Lou:  That’s right.  Although there isn’t much to direct.

Ilinca:  Not much to direct? What you mean?

Lou:  I mean that show that Professor guy brought with him. Whose idea was it to bring in a cultural exchange director for this show anyway?  And why couldn’t he let us do Peppa Pig, like we were going to do?  Instead he brings in some play called Stonehenge Jr.

Ilinca:  You no like Stonehenge Jr.?

Lou:  No like?  What’s to like?  There is no set, no costumes, no props, and hardly any lines.  The performers just sit around in a circle and pretend they are a bunch of stones, communicating in soft monotones with each other, contemplating the effects of wind and weather on their grey surfaces. Whose idea of a play is that?  Usually the work shop has two or three moms and dads, and the dressing room is full of moms doing costumes and make up all through rehearsal, but because of this dreary show we’re doing, the whole backstage area is empty.  Almost all the rehearsals are done is Ms. Weeks’ room.  I walk into the Little Theatre most days and I don’t see a single living person, except that Professor fellow and the strange guy, Plamen.  Why are they hanging around inside the Little Theatre if there is nothing to do on the stage, and all the performers are out in another room?

Ilinca:  They love  The Stage?

Lou:  The stage, that’s another thing.  Do you know that sometimes when I’m in there all alone, not even the Professor or Plamen anywhere in sight, and I sit real still, I hear noises under the stage?

Ilinca: Noises?  What kind of noises?

Lou:  How should I know what kind of noises?  Muffled noises, like somebody looking for something or moving things around under there.

Ilinca:  This not good that you hear these noises.

Lou:  You bet it’s not good, and thanks to you Ilinca, I’m going to get to the bottom of it.

Ilinca:  Thanks to me?

Lou:  That’s right.  When I think of how brave you are when any time you could run into a vampire or a werewolf or the Frankenstein monster,  I feel ashamed for being such a coward.  I intend to find out what is going on at the Little Theatre, now matter how dangerous it may be.

Ilinca:  You got any ideas?

Lou:  No.  You?

Ilinca:  No, I got no clue.

Lou;  The first thing is to think of the possible suspects.

Ilinca: Suspects?

Lou:  Yeah.  When solving a mystery, you always have to consider who all the suspects are.  Let’s see, there’s a whole list of characters who could have any reason for being up to no good.  The worst of the bunch is Dracula, but tonight is the full moon, so I guess we have to consider the Wolf-man too.  There haven’t been any thunderstorms for a while, so I suppose we can rule out the Frankenstein monster.  Then there also the people, the Professor and that Plamen, I wonder?…No, he’s definitely the one that worries me the most.

Ilinca:  The Professor?

Lou: No, Dracula.

Ilinca:   Oh, you think is Dracula?

Lou:   I’m almost positive it’s him, although I haven’t ruled out the Wolf-man.  The question is, why would Dracula be digging around under the stage at the Little Theatre?  There’s only one way to find out.  We’ll have to sneak in there one night, when everybody is gone and take a look around underneath the stage.

Ilinca:  I don’t think he would like that.

Lou: Dracula?

Ilinca:  No, the Professor.

Lou:  The Professor!  Why would he mind if we helped solve the mystery that was jeopardizing his show?

Ilinca:  He doesn’t like distractions.  Also he like to keep on  tight schedule.  Professor get very upset if somebody interrupt his schedule.  It best we no interfere with Professors plans.  You  drop this whole idea, we no go dig around under stage at Little Theatre.

Lou:  Dig, Ilinca, that’s it.

Ilanca:  Is what?

Lou:  Is the key to this whole mystery, that’s what.  I see it all now.  Do you know why every time I heard those noises under the stage I never saw the Professor or Plamen in the Little Theatre.

Ilinca:  They was in the boy’s room?

Lou: No, they were not in the boy’s room.  Do you know how I know that?

Ilinca: I suppose you going to tell me?

Lou:  You’re darn right I’m going to tell you.  It’s because it must have been those two, the Professor and Plamen, I heard under the stage.  And do you know what they were doing under there?

Ilinca:  Digging?

Lou:  No.

Ilinca:  Buy you said digging was key to mystery.

Lou:  That’s right.  That’s what I said.  But Plamen and the Professor weren’t digging, no, but they were moving big boxes of something that had already been dug.

Ilinca:  Big boxes?  Of what big boxes?

Lou:  Dirt.

Ilinca: Dirt?

Lou: Yes, and do you know where the dirt comes from?  From Transylvania, that’s where.  And do you know why the dirt is from Transylvania?  Because a vampire has to rest during the day somewhere dark in a coffin filled with dirt from his home land, and that proves that Dracula is the one behind all this!  He is turning the Little Theatre into his secret hiding place.

Ilinca:  Dracula do that?

Lou: Yes he do.

Ilinca: Dracula?  Yes, Lou, I see now what you mean.  Makes sense that Dracula is one behind strange noises at Little Theatre.  But wait a minute.  If Dracula in Little Theatre, we got to get kids out of there, got to stop whole show.  Tell everybody stay away from Little Theatre.    I pretty sure in little while Professor and Plamen leave Milford for different place.  Dracula go with them, I positive of that.  Then you nice peoples got nothing to worry about.  No mysteries, no vampire, no Professor, no Plamen.  Only please tell everybody stay away from Little Theatre till they gone.

Lou:  No Ilinca, we can’t do that.

Ilinca:  Why not?

Lou:  We have to get proof.

Ilinca:  Proof?  What proof?

Lou:   Like I said, we have to sneak into the Little Theatre, tonight, when everybody is gone and while Dracula is out.  We have to crawl in under the stage, and find those coffins, and get some of the Transylvanian dirt, and maybe something in there with Dracula’s crest on it, and bring it out and show it to everyone else.

Ilinca:  What if Dracula comes back while we still in there?

Lou:  I didn’t think of that.  Do you think it would be pretty bad if he found us?

Ilinca:  I think so.  I think Dracula be plenty mad if he come back from being big terror to  innocent people and find us digging up dirt from his coffins.

Lou:  You do?

Ilinca:  Ya, I  think he do that hipsnosis thing with his eyes, then when we are powerless in his spell, I think maybe he be big terror to us too, maybe  drink our blood.

Lou:  Did you say blood?

Ilinca:  Ya, blood.   What’s the matter, Lou? You don’t look so good all of a sudden.

Lou:    I don’t feel so good all of a sudden.  I guess I’m just a big coward after all.  Can you help me think of another plan, one where you and I don’t ever have to come face to face with Dracula?

Ilinca:  Another plan?  One where you and I no have to be face to face with Dracula?  Boy, that pretty tough.   Wait a minute, what I saying?  Of course, how silly of me to forget.

Lou:  Forget what Ilinca?

Ilinca:  Van Helsing, vampire slayer.  That’s it, why I not think of before?  Great-great grandson of Van Helsing  live near our village.  We get hold of Van Helsing.  He fix those vampires.

Lou:  You mean he’ll come here, and help us?

Ilinca:  Sure he will.  Van Helsing always help people with vampires.

Lou:  This is wonderful Ilinca.  You’re certainly a big help.  I’m so glad you’re here.

Ilinca:  Thank you Lou.  But you got to promise something.  You got to promise not to tell anyone what we suspect, and don’t send anyone crawling around under stage of Little Theatre looking for anything.  Not even a peek.    I make sure kids rehearse in  teachers room, so they not in any danger.  I want make sure no one gets hurt, okay?  Soon as Van Helsing gets here, he take a look around, right away he will know what to do.  He fix vampires good, then Professor and Plamen will leave and no bother you people no more, and everybody be okay.  But you got to promise Lou.

Lou:  Okay Ilinca, I promise.  I won’t say anything to the others.

Ilinca:  Good.  Now we got to go find Uncle Grigore, he is one knows how to get hold of Van Helsing.

Lou:  He must still be in the wax museum.

Ilinca:  Ya, that’s what I think too.  Well, looks like we got to see wax monsters after all. You ready?

Lou:  Do I have to go in there?

Ilinca:  It make you feel better if I hold your hand?

Lou:  Hold my hand, right out here in front of everybody?

Ilinca:  Sure, here, all the way to wax museum.

Lou: I feel kind of embarrassed.  What will people think if they see us holding hands?

Ilinca:  They no think anything about boy and girl holding hands.  Unless you get carried away.

Lou:  Me, carried away? How?

Ilinca:  If  first you take hold my one hand, like this, then you take hold my other hand like this. Then you let go both hands and put your arms around me like this, and pull me close like this, and then you look into my dark eyes and you say, in deep husky voice (does deep husky voice) Ah, Ilinca my dark-eyed beauty, how I have longed for this moment to hold you in my arms.  Now, my little sweet potato,  now that I have you in my big strong arms, I will put my burning lips next to your soft, trembling lips and kiss you so  you never forget. (resumes normal voice)  And then you kiss me,  just like you say, big, long he-man kiss. That is carried away.

Lou:  Ilinca?

Ilinca:  Yes Lou?

Lou:  I think I’m ready to go face those monsters now.

Ilinca; (laughing) Okay big boy, let’s go.

They exit together towards Main Street as lights go down.

End of Act One.

copyright 2017 r.k.morris

 

Get ready for some chills and laughs, inspired by the classic horror and comedy-mystery films of the past. Fun for all ages. Grab a part, break a leg, and ham on!

Cast of Characters:

Uncle Charlie,

Four cousins:

Joan,  niece of Uncle Charlie, a student at Milford High School

Lou , nephew of Uncle Charlie, also a student at MHS

Bonita, niece of Uncle Charlie, student at MHS

Huntz, nephew of Uncle Charlie, student at MHS

Cesar:  a handsome young  (mid-twenties) visitor from Carpathian Mountains

Ilinca, betrothed to Cesar, attractive young (early to mid twenties), high -spirited woman from Carpathian Mountains.

Grigore (Uncle Grigore),  uncle of Ilinca

Mort (Mortimer), childhood friend of Uncle Charlie.  Artistic and chemical genius, owner of mysterious Milford Wax Museum. 

The Professor, Sinister, ruthless and mysterious visitor.

Plamen, frightening henchman of the Professor.

…

Setting:  The gazebo in Center Street Park in Milford MI.  Daytime , early autumn.  Uncle Charlie, Lou and Joan.  Uncle Charlie is holding an upright vacuum cleaner.

Uncle Charlie:  Imagine running into you two like this.  I wonder if Bonita and Huntz are around her somewhere, perhaps looking for Pokémon, like all these other people?

Joan:  They should be around any minute.  We told Bonita and Huntz we would meet them here at the gazebo.

Uncle Charlie:  Well then, what shall we do when the gangs all here?  I have a few moments between errands.  Tell me, what has been going on with you two since our last get together at the corn roast?

Joan:  You know, Uncle Charlie, same old thing:  another school year.

Uncle Charlie: Ah,  a fresh year to start learning anew!

Lou:  And homework.

Joan:  New classes, new teachers, catching up with old friends.

Uncle Charlie:  Picking up the threads with old acquaintances, making new ones–

Lou:  And homework.

Joan:  Then there’s the choir.  We’re just getting started, but there are a lot of concerts and other events throughout the year.  It’s going to be very busy.

Uncle Charlie:  Ah, the wonderful, wide spectrum of the performing arts: vocal music, the theatre, the band;  the spectacle of the marching band performing during halftime, or marching down this very street  for the Thanksgiving Parade;the intellectual rigors of debate, the science clubs and competitions;  the vast range of the athletic arena: the gridiron, the court, the diamond to name but a few, the heroic efforts, the thrilling victories, the heartbreaking defeats–

Lou: The homework.

Uncle Charlie:  Lou, you seem to have a one track mind.

Lou:  I don’t have a one track mind Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  My dear nephew, the whole time Joan has been telling me all about the many things going on in her sophomore year of high school,  all you have been able to contribute to the conversation is  ‘homework’.  If that isn’t a one track mind, I’d like to know what is.  What is this strange obsession you have with homework, aren’t you  getting enough?

Lou: Not getting enough!  Are you kidding?  Everyday I take my homework to school with me.  I drop the homework off with my teachers in each one of my classes.  I always feel  kind of sad because I worked so hard on it, but I tear myself away and say bye-bye to the homework and I start to feel pretty good, but then every day when I leave school to go home–BAM– I’ve got more homework.  I just can’t seem to shake it.

Uncle Charlie:  Lou, am I to understand that you think you have too much homework?

Lou:  Uncle Charlie, you never spoke a truer word.

Uncle Charlie:  Why Lou, I’m surprised at you.  Homework is like the pick and shovel to the goldmine of knowledge that rewards those who work for it.  Imagine yourself as a prospector–

Lou: A what?

Uncle Charlie:  A prospector.  Prospector.  You know what a prospector is, don’t you?

Lou:  Sure, Uncle Charlie.  A prospector is the guy who stands in front of the judge and jury and tries to prove the guy on trial  did it.

Uncle Charlie:  No, no, that’s a prosecutor.

Lou: I thought prosecutor was a kind of  ham.

Uncle Charlie:  No, that’s prosciutto.

Lou: Pros – what now?

Uncle Charlie:  Prosciutto.  Prosciutto.

Lou: Gazoontyke.

Uncle Charlie:  I didn’t sneeze.  I was trying to tell you the name of that ham.

Lou:  Oh yeah.  What was it again?

Uncle Charlie: Prosciutto.

Lou: Can you spell that?

Uncle Charlie:  Let’s see. P as in pineapple, R as in rosebud, O as in ostrich, S as in sasquatch, C as in cutie–

Lou: Is cutie a real word?

Uncle Charlie:  Alright then, cute, cutie, cutie-pie, take you pick.  Now where was I?  Ah yes, I as in incoherent, U as in unintelligible–

Lou: That reminds me of a girl.

Uncle Charlie:  Incoherent, or unintelligible?

Lou:  No, what you said before that.

Uncle Charlie:  Sasquatch reminds you of a girl?

Lou;  No, in between.  Cute, cutie, cutie-pie, take you pick.

Uncle Charlie:  Oh, I see.  There is a certain young lady to whom you are particularly attracted?

Lou: Yeah, and I think she’s sweet too.  And you know what else?  She’s about the only girl in school who doesn’t seem like she’s about to bust out laughing every time she looks at me.

Uncle Charlie:  What do you do to elicit such a reaction from the rest of the female contingent of your school?

Lou:  Nothing!  That’s just it.  Emily, that’s her name, Emily is the only girl in the school who takes me seriously.  She’s almost  the only one who doesn’t make me feel the biggest, dumbest dope in the whole place.

Uncle Charlie:  Possibly Lou you are being over critical of the other young ladies’  opinion of you.

Lou:  You think so Uncle Charlie?  Boy, I sure hope so.  Some days it’s awful hard to go to school when you feel  like you’re just a big jerk.

Uncle Charlie:  But you’re not a big jerk Lou.  You know that.

Lou:  Yeah, I know. Thanks for reminding me,  Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  Always a pleasure Lou. But now enough about these other young women.  Tell me about your Emily.

Lou:  Uncle Charlie!

Uncle Charlie:  Yes Lou?

Lou: What you just said.

Uncle Charlie:  What I just said?

Lou:  Yes.  It was music to my ears.

Uncle Charlie:  Ah, you mean ‘tell me about your Emily’?

Lou: That’s it! Say it again please, Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie;  Very well.  Tell me about your Emily.

Lou:  Thank you.

Uncle Charlie: Well?

Lou: Well what?

Uncle Charlie:  Aren’t you going to tell me about her?

Lou:  Didn’t I already tell you that she’s sweet and doesn’t laugh at me and is a cutie-pie, and oh, did I mention that I think she’s wonderful?  My greatest dream right now is to take her to the homecoming dance.

Uncle Charlie:  She sounds like a wonderful girl Lou.  How does she feel about you?

Lou: I don’t know.

Uncle Charlie:  You don’t know?  Well then, what was her response when you asked her to the dance?

Lou:  I don’t know.

Uncle Charlie:   You mean you haven’t asked her?

Lou: No.

Uncle Charlie:  Oh, I get it, cold feet.

Lou:  How’s that?

Uncle Charlie:  I said ‘cold feet’.

Lou: Oh, cold feet?  I don’t know.

Uncle Charlie:  What do you mean you don’t know?

Lou:  Well, I mean, I’ve hardly even spoken to Emily, and I would feel kind of silly asking her to take her shoes off.

Uncle Charlie:  Not her feet, Lou, yours!  Cold feet is an expression that means you lost your nerve .

Lou: Oh, lost your nerve is cold feet?  I think I’ve got cold body.  I don’t even think I ever had the nerve to tell Emily how much I like her to lose it in the first place.

Uncle Charlie:  I’m sure that makes sense somehow, if we only had the time to figure it out.  You say you have at least spoken to her?

Lou:  Yes, well, I guess you could say I have.

Uncle Charlie:  Hmm, you guess I could.  What did you say?

Lou: Not much.

Uncle Charlie:  Did you tell her your name?

Lou: I tried, but I had a little trouble.

Uncle Charlie: What exactly did you say?

Lou:  I think it was something like Urk.

Uncle Charlie: Uk?

Lou:  No, Urk.

Uncle Charlie:  You tried to tell her your name and all you said was Urk?  How do you get Urk from Lou?

Lou:  I’m not sure, Uncle Charlie, but I think the L kind of got stuck in my throat, did a back flip and came out the other side as an rk.

Uncle Charlie:  So does this girl even know your name?

Lou:  Oh sure, she’s heard the teacher call on me.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s a start at least.  And does Emily ever talk to you?

Lou:  Does she!  Her voice is like the voice of an angel.  Her words are like music from heaven.

Uncle Charlie:  Now we’re getting somewhere.  What does this angelic voice say to you?

Lou:  Well, one day she say ‘Hi Lou”, and another time she said ‘How are you today?’. Oh, and wait till you hear this, just the other day she told me she thought I gave a good answer when the teacher called on me in class.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s pretty strong stuff, I can see why you’re all a twitter.  But from what I can tell you’re leaving this poor girl to do all the talking.  You say you haven’t been able to tell her your name, but have you at least been able to speak her name?

Lou:  You mean Emily?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, Emily.

Lou:  I just spoke it just now.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, but that’s to me.  What about to her?  Does she sit near you in your class together?

Lou:  Yes.  Emily and I sit right next to each other.  Sometimes our desks practically touch.

Uncle Charlie:  Fine then.  I want you to pretend that you are sitting at your desk in class, and that I am Emily and I am sitting at my desk right next to yours.

Lou:  With our desks practically touching?

Uncle Charlie: More than that Lou, with our desks actually touching.  Now remember, we’re pretending that I am Emily, and I want you to look at me and speak my name, just like you would in class to the real Emily.

Lou:  Okay, here goes, just like I would say to the real  E-grgglee. . .

Uncle Charlie:  Try that again Lou, I didn’t quite get it.

Lou: Grggle. . .s.s.s.(hic. . .hic)

Uncle Charlie:  Oh, this is fine.  You two would make  quite a couple at the homecoming dance.  All you can say is Urk and make gargling noises.  Your ability to carry on a conversation with this poor girl will be severely limited, unless by some chance she speaks cave-man.

Lou:  I’m sorry Uncle Charlie.  Maybe I’m just hopeless.

Uncle Charlie:  Never give up hope, my boy.  There must be some way to help you with this debilitating shyness.  What we need is the feminine perspective on this.  Joan, do either you or Bonita  have a beau?

Joan:  A bow?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right, a beau.  Oh, I don’t mean to embarrass you and put you on the spot like this.  I just thought maybe you or Bonita might be able to give Lou some advice to help him ease into speaking to this young lady.  Put it out of your mind dear, I’ll just wait for Bonita.

Joan:  You don’t have to wait for Bonita, Uncle Charlie.  I can help.

Uncle Charlie:  You mean you have a beau?

Joan:  One bow?  Heck, I’ve got two.

Uncle Charlie:  Two ?  At the same time?

Joan:  Sure.  One bow doesn’t do a girl much good.

Uncle Charlie:  No?

Joan: No.  I’d look pretty silly walking around with just one bow, wouldn’t  I?

Uncle Charlie:  Would you?

Joan:  Sure.  A girl in high school has to think about these things.    She can’t just run around with bubble gum in her hair and marker on her face and just one bow like she could in middle school.

Uncle Charlie:  She can’t?

Joan:  Of course not.  I made that mistake my freshman year, but I’ve got it figured out now.

Uncle Charlie:    Let me make sure I have this straight, Joan.  You have not one beau, but two, both at the same time, simultaneously?

Joan:  That’s right.

Uncle Charlie:  Do they know about each other?

Joan:  That’s kind of an odd question Uncle Charlie.  I don’t think they know anything.

Uncle Charlie: You don’t think they know anything?  How can you make such a statement?

Joan:    After all,  they’re  just a couple of inanimate objects.

Uncle Charlie:  Inanimate objects!  Joan, I am surprised at you.

Joan:  Why Uncle Charlie?  Mom always taught me not to be materialistic about things.

Uncle Charlie:  Not materialistic about things?  Joan, a beau is not a thing.

Joan:  It is according to Mother.

Uncle Charlie:  Your mother, my sister, said that?  What else did she teach you?

Joan:  Mom taught me plenty.  The first thing  you’ve got to learn is how to wrap the little buggers around your finger.

Uncle Charlie:  Wrap them around your finger!?

Joan:  Sure, otherwise how do you expect them to behave?

Uncle Charlie:  To behave!  Like they were an obedient dog or a trained circus seal!

Joan:  Hardly like that Uncle Charlie, but if they don’t stay in their place, honestly, what good are they?

Uncle Charlie:  What good are they?  Joan, my dear, please tell me that you don’t mean to say a beau has no intrinsic value to you.

Joan:  Of course it does Uncle Charlie, as long as it stays in its place.  But Mom also taught me not to get too attached to them, and not to get upset if  one breaks.

Uncle Charlie:  If one breaks?  Of course you’re speaking figuratively my dear, as in breaking one of your beaux hearts.

Joan:  That’s a good one Uncle Charlie.  A bow hasn’t got any heart.

Uncle Charlie;  No brain and no heart!  What is the younger generation coming to?

Joan:  We’re thrifty Uncle Charlie.   Mom taught me that too. You’ll like this:  she said if one breaks that I should put it with the other one, tie ’em both together, and make two smaller bows so I’ll learn not to be so rough on the next pair.

Uncle Charlie:  On the next pair!  You’d think you were talking about shoe laces.

Joan:  I am taking about shoe laces Uncle Charlie.  What did you think I was talking about?

Uncle Charlie:  You were talking about shoelaces?   Shoelaces. Of course, then it all makes sense.  You see, Joan, the word beau I  was using is a French word, —

Lou: Uncle Charlie, I know some French words.  Would you like to hear them?

Uncle Charlie:  Later perhaps Lou, I am trying to explain something to Joan.  As I was saying Joan, beau  is a French word meaning boyfriend.  I assumed you also knew , so when you started talking about your bows, I mistakenly thought  —

Joan:  Uncle Charlie!  Don’t tell me you  thought that  when I was talking about wrapping my shoelaces around my finger,  you thought I was telling you how I treat my boyfriend?

Uncle Charlie:  Two boyfriends.

Joan:  Two?  Imagine that, a spare.

Uncle Charlie:  Of course it was all just a silly misunderstanding.

Joan:   Silly?  It’s ridiculous, I mean,  I’m not greedy.  I would settle for just one.

Uncle Charlie:  Naturally —

Joan:  On second thought,  a spare boyfriend might  come in handy in case the first one gives me the slip, I mean, in case I break up with the first one.  Wait a minute, who am I kidding?  Me, talking about boyfriends, when none of the boys in school as so much as given me a second look.

Uncle Charlie:  I’m sure you must be mistaken about that my dear.

Joan:  I don’t think so Uncle Charlie. I keep trying to catch just one at it, but no luck.

Uncle Charlie:  Still, I’m positive that right now there exists some young man who’s been giving you plenty of second looks.

Joan:  Really, right now?  Don’t let him get away.  Lou, how does my hair look?

Lou:  Your hair looks fine.

Joan:  Really, you’re not just saying that?

Lou: Why would I just say that?  Your hair looks fine.  It looks like your hair always looks.

Joan:  But my hair always looks a mess.

Lou:  What do I know  about fine hair from hair that’s a  mess?  I don’t pay much attention to your hair.

Joan:  I’ll bet you pay attention to Emily’s hair.

Lou:  Ah, but Emily is Emily, and you are my cousin.

Joan:  Of all the times to be stuck with an uncle and a boy cousin.  Oh, if only Bonita were here already. What a girl needs at a moment like this  is reinforcements.

Uncle Charlie:  Joan, Joan, I must apologize, for I don’t think I made myself sufficiently clear a moment ago.  What I meant to convey was that while I am sure this young man exists, in theory and in fact somewhere, I am not however aware of his identity nor of his particular presence nearby at this  moment.

Joan:  Oh, so you don’t know who he is?

Uncle Charlie:  I am sorry dear, no.

Joan:  Oh well, thanks anyway Uncle Charlie.  It’s just like I said before, no boy ever gives me a second look.

Uncle Charlie:  Nonsense Joan, your young man is just shy, like Lou is with Emily.

Joan:  Like Lou?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right, and he’s probably someone you see everyday at school, and you have no clue he has a crush on you, like Lou.

Joan:  Like Lou?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right.  Why I wouldn’t be surprised if any day now he finally gets the nerve and walks up to you and speaks.

Joan:  Like Lou?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right, like Lou.

Joan:  I don’t know if I want to be gargled at, Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  Not exactly like Lou my dear, just in principle.  Perhaps your young man is not a gargler.   For all we know, he may be a goggler.

Joan:  A what?

Uncle Charlie:  A goggler;  one who goggles.  To goggle: to stare with bulging or wide open eyes.  While Webster’s doesn’t comment on this specific, I always think of a goggler as being speechless while goggling.  Certainly you’ve seen that look:  the bulging, blank eyes, the dumb expression, the sagging jaw, the gaping mouth.  That’s the look of a shy young man gazing upon his adored object.  Surely you’ve seen that look on some boys face Joan.

Joan:  I don’t know Uncle Charlie,  goggling sounds almost as bad as gargling.  Do you suppose there’s a nice boy out there somewhere who would just be able to talk?

Uncle Charlie:  Of course there is dear.  I must bend my mind to this matter to help you from being discouraged.   A change of subject is what I need for the moment.   Tell me what else has been going on in your lives.

Joan: Bonita and Huntz and I are helping out with the middle school play.

Lou: Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes Lou?

Lou: What are you doing with that?

Uncle Charlie:  This?  The vacuum cleaner?

Lou:  Yes.  Why are you carrying a vacuum cleaner around downtown Milford?

Uncle Charlie:  Well I have to take it to Max to have it serviced.

Lou:  Max?  Who’s Max.

Uncle Charlie:  Max is the man who owns the vacuum shop here in Milford.   Your Aunt Elizabeth  asked me to take it to him to have it fixed.  She can’t stand the terrible noise.

Lou:  This fellow Max, he makes a terrible noise?

Uncle Charlie:  No Lou!  The vacuum cleaner makes a terrible noise.  I’m taking it, the vacuum cleaner, to him,  Max, so he can find out why it’s making the noise and fix it.

Lou:  Okay.  I get it. The vacuum cleaner is making a terrible noise and you are taking it to get it fixed.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right.  Now Joan, you were saying–

Lou:  Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes  Lou?

Lou:  It looks like something is about to fall out of your pocket.

Uncle Charlie:  Thank you Lou.  I wouldn’t want to loose that.

Lou;  What is it, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  What, this?  This is a locket.  Your Aunt Elizabeth asked me to take it to Charlie to have it repaired.

Lou:  Now let me get this straight:  you’re taking that locket in your pocket to have it repaired by Charlie, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, that’s right.

Lou:  Joan, I think something has upset Uncle Charlie, he’s talking about himself in the third person.

Uncle Charlie:  No, I’m all right Lou.  I’m not Charlie.  Charlie is the jeweler to whom I’m taking the locket.

Lou: You’re not Charlie, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right Lou.

Lou:  Joan, I think you better stay with Uncle Charlie while I go for help.

Uncle Charlie:  No Lou, Charlie is not me.  I’m you’re Uncle Charlie.  Charlie is an entirely different person.

Lou:  Now he thinks he’s two different people.  Oh, poor Uncle Charlie.  Wait till Aunt Elizabeth hears about this.

Joan:  Lou, I think what Uncle Charlie is trying to say is that there is another man, also named Charlie, and that man is the jeweler to whom our Uncle Charlie is going to take Aunt Elizabeth’s locket to be repaired.  Isn’t that right Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  Exactly, my dear.

Lou:  Oh, is that it?  Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, if only I had made myself clear from the beginning.  Ah, here are your cousins now.

Enter Bonita and Huntz.

Uncle Charlie:  You two are just in  time .

Bonita:  Hello everybody,  I hope we didn’t keep you waiting.

Huntz:  Yeah, sorry we’re a little late.  What are we just in time for, Uncle Charlie, is something the matter?

Uncle Charlie: Nothing the matter, Huntz, it’s just  your arrival is very timely in preventing me from being pulled deeper into a dizzying verbal vortex of confusion.

Huntz:  Say that again, Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  To put it another way, I am practically reeling from the linguistic contortions that accompany any attempt to carry on a conversation with Lou and Joan.

Huntz:  You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves.  Show me the bruises Uncle Charlie.  If only I had some liniment, I could give you a nice rub down.

Bonita:  Huntz, Uncle Charlie said contortions, not contusions.

Huntz:  Contortions?  You mean like those people who twist their bodies up like a pretzel?

Bonita:  That’s right.

Huntz:  Uncle Charlie, I didn’t know you were a contortionist.

Uncle Charlie:  I am not a contortionist Huntz.  I was speaking figuratively about mental contortions.

Huntz:  Mental contortions?  Oh, I get it:  confused, twisted, and seemingly pointless reasoning as the result of a misapprehension of  a word or phrase.

Uncle Charlie:  Well spoken, Huntz.  Now, if you and Bonita will allow me to proceed without revisiting the tale of the vacuum cleaner and the locket, I would like to make sure I understood something Joan said a few moments ago about the middle school play.    Lou are you not helping with the play this year?  I thought you liked the theatre.

Lou:  I like it okay as long as I’m onstage or in the booth, but I don’t like being backstage at the Little Theatre during rehearsal.  It’s too dark.

Uncle Charlie:  Oh, come on Lou, with all those kids around ?  You aren’t seriously frightened in the dark at the Little Theatre.

Lou:  It’s not just that I’m scared of the dark.  It’s getting pretty close to Halloween and I can’t  help thinking about monsters and things whenever I’m alone.  Besides that, there are other things.

Uncle Charlie:  Other things?  What other things, Lou?

Lou:  Strange noises for one thing.

Uncle Charlie:  It seems I remember there are always strange noises backstage during rehearsal and set building.

Bonita: This is different, Uncle Charlie, and it’s more than just noises too.

Uncle Charlie:  Like some of Lou’s vivid imagination, perhaps. And you’ve got it too, Bonita?  Tell me which monsters you’ve been thinking about, Lou?

Lou:  Usually the Frankenstein monster, or the Wolfman, or Dracula.

Uncle Charlie:  Hmm, the classics.    Do  the kids still dress up as those  characters at Halloween?

Lou:  Oh sure,  every year I  see a lot of vampires, a Frankenstein monster or two, plus the occasional werewolf.  There are some new ones though, that aren’t based on monsters.  I know this one guy who’s dressing up as  a gorilla this year.

Uncle Charlie:  You’ve just reminded me of a friend of mine.  When we were both about your age, he dressed up as a gorilla.  Are any of you familiar with the motion picture Mighty Joe Young?

Joan: Isn’t that the one about the girl  who gets talked into bringing a giant gorilla back  to the states with her by a promoter or something?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s the one.  Well, Mortimer, that’s my friend’s name, though he usually went by Mort,  Mortimer had a real affinity for that gorilla Joe, practically hero worship, so I suppose it’s no surprise that he dressed up as a gorilla for Halloween that year.  His costume was all homemade and most convincing.  Mortimer was already adept at making things out of old discarded items, and doing all kinds of special effects with stage make up and such.  He put together the fur covering of the gorilla from worn out women’s coats, and in the dark on Halloween night, you wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference between my friend Mort and a real gorilla.

Huntz:  Really, it was that good?

Uncle Charlie:  Well, so I was told.  You see, I never actually witnessed  Mortimer in character as Mighty Joe Young on Halloween night.  I was bobbing for apples and drinking cider at your Aunt Elizabeth’s parents house that night, so all of my information is purely second-hand.  But I did see him try it out in the daytime on the thirtieth.  Yes, he was very convincing.

Bonita:  It sounds like you friend Mortimer must have been the hit of Halloween that year.

Uncle Charlie:  I suppose he would have been, if that circus hadn’t been passing through the area.

Lou: Circus?  There was a circus here in Milford?

Uncle Charlie:  In Highland to be precise.  Their caravan had stopped in front of  Highland Junior High School due to mechanical trouble with one of the trucks.   During the stop, their gorilla, King Conga, I believe was his name, escaped.

Huntz:  Did he break out by bending the bars of his cage?

Uncle Charlie:  No.  I was informed that King Conga was a highly trained and very intelligent gorilla;  he distracted his keeper by throwing banana peels up on the sidewalk to the school.  Every time the keeper would come back with an empty peel, the gorilla would toss another peel further up the sidewalk.  Finally, when he put one practically right on the front step, and while the keeper was going to retrieve it, the gorilla slipped his lock and made good his escape.  As his good fortune would have it, he almost immediately discovered a skateboard that had been left there by a careless student earlier in the day.  Upon his return to the cage, the keeper was stunned to find it empty, and as he ran to the front of the truck to alert the others to the missing gorilla, he saw King Conga riding south on John Street, still eating bananas and strewing the peels as he went. Well, the keeper raced after Conga on foot, but the gorilla already had a considerable head start, and was making good speed on the skateboard.  By the time the keeper reached Livingston Road, the banana trail ended.  In the dark, it was impossible for him to tell whether the gorilla had gone east or west on Livingston, but the keeper later told reporters that he was almost certain King Conga stuck out his left arm to signal a turn before he disappeared in the darkness, in which case the gorilla  would seem to have turned east on Livingston.

Lou:  Wait a minute!  Wait a minute!

Uncle Charlie:  Yes Lou?

Lou: You say there was a gorilla riding a skateboard down John Street in Highland?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right, Lou.

Lou:  And he rode all the way down to Livingston, and then signaled for a left turn on Livingston?

Uncle Charlie:  You follow the narrative precisely.

Lou:  And you expect us to believe that?

Uncle Charlie:  You think he turned off on Ruggles?  I find that highly unlikely, remember the trail of banana peels–

Lou:  Okay, okay, never mind.  So the gorilla turned east of Livingston Road.  What happened next?

Uncle Charlie:  The circus people notified the local authorities, who  hurriedly organized  search parties consisting of trained veterinary specialists, local police, the Oakland County sheriff, and even  the State Police.    It was on the radio and everything, very big news for our little community.  I remember hearing the broadcast announcement just as I came up soaking wet with an apple in my mouth.  “Police mount dragnet to search for escaped gorilla in Highland.  Animal last seen heading in general direction of Milford.  Trick-or-treaters advised to use extra caution, and avoid large, hairy characters.”

Bonita:    What a time to be dressed up as a gorilla.  Poor Mortimer.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, poor Mortimer.  It seems a sector of the dragnet reached the village of Milford just as trick or treating was in full swing.  Mortimer, I understand, had climbed a tree in order to re-enact the scene in which Mighty Joe Young rescues a child from a burning building.   Afterwards Mort told me he thought the boy he had selected was willingly helping him with the re-enactment by climbing up the tree in front of him so he could be rescued.

Bonita: Was the child trying to help Mortimer with his re-enactment?

Uncle Charlie:  No, the poor thing was frightened out of his wits.  Apparently he had never seen Mighty Joe Young,  he believed Mort was a real gorilla.  The boy  was climbing the tree to  escape.

Bonita:  Oh no.

Uncle Charlie:  Oh no is right, for that is the moment when the search party arrived.

Joan:  Oh no.  Did they –did they–?

Uncle Charlie:  I’m afraid they did.  The trooper, I am told was an expert marksman.  Mortimer went down on the first shot.

Bonita:  Oh, how terrible.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, and then as the crowd approached his still, silent body, lying on the cold, hard  ground, someone noticed the gap between his costume and his headpiece.  A brave person stepped forward, and to the astonishment and horror of all, removed the mask, revealing the face of poor, dear Mortimer.

Bonita:  How awful.

Uncle Charlie:  I am told several women went into hysterics, and strong men fainted.

Bonita:  Where did they shoot him?

Uncle Charlie:  Just over there, on Hickory Street.

Bonita:  No, I mean where, where did the shot hit him?

Uncle Charlie:  Well, as I said, the Trooper was an expert marksman.  He got Mortimer right in the fleshy part.

Lou:  The fleshy part?

Bonita:  What I think Uncle Charlie means Lou, is the behind.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s right my dear,   you have found the mot juste: the behind.

Lou:  The behind?    Would that be anything like the derriere?

Uncle Charlie:  What’s this Lou?  La Belle Langue?

Lou: No Uncle Charlie, it’s French.  Remember I was telling you I know some French words?

Uncle Charlie:  Oh, French, of course.  My mistake.

Lou:  That’s okay Uncle Charlie, we all make mistakes.  Although I am a little surprised you didn’t know that derriere is  French, what with your bows and all.   I mean, everybody knows derriere, it’s practically the first thing they teach you in French class.

Uncle Charlie:  Practically the first thing, you say? I take it then that you have French as a foreign language class this semester.

Lou:  Me? No.  My friend Lenny is taking French.  He passes the important stuff on to me.

Uncle Charlie:  Your friend Lenny you say?

Lou:  That’s right.

Uncle Charlie:  Some day you must regale me with the full story of this linguistic wizard, but for now, let us resume our tale.

Bonita:   Uncle Charlie, I don’t understand, how did one shot in the fleshy part bring Mortimer down so suddenly?

Uncle Charlie:  Because of course they had dosed the tranquilizer dart for a four hundred pound adult male gorilla, when actually they were firing at  a one hundred and thirty pound teen-aged boy.

Bonita:  Oh, a dart!   Uncle Charlie, I wished you would have made that clear from the beginning.

Uncle Charlie:  Didn’t I child?  My dear, I am sorry.  Of course it was just a dart, and dear old Mortimer was right as rain again in a few days.

Lou:  I bet he gave up on making such real looking costumes after that.

Uncle Charlie:  To the contrary Lou, when Mortimer thought about how so many people had been convinced he was a real gorilla, even trained veterinary professionals and the State Troopers,  he realized he had a special gift.  Mortimer turned his gift into a  trade, and after going away to study chemistry for a few years, started his very own wax museum.

Lou:  Did you say your friend Mort studied chemistry, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  I did.

Lou:  Is he good at it?

Uncle Charlie:  Mort is, I am fairly certain, a genius at chemistry, among other things.

Lou:  Oh boy, maybe I can get him to help me with my homework.  That stuff is hard.

Bonita:  So Uncle Charlie, when you say  a wax museum, do you mean with life- sized figures of famous people?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s the kind.

Lou:  People like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes.

Bonita:  And Julius Caesar and Cleopatra?

Uncle Charlie: Yes.

Huntz:  And Louis Armstrong ?

Joan: And Amelia Earhart?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s it, exactly.

Huntz:  Oh boy, I would love to see that.  It’s too bad your friend Mort moved away.

Uncle Charlie:  Who said anything about Mortimer moving away?

Huntz:  Didn’t you just tell us he started his own wax museum with all those live-sized replicas of famous people?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes I did.

Huntz:  Well then he must have moved away;  there was never anything like that around here.

Uncle Charlie:  Of course there was, and is, Huntz.  Haven’t you ever heard of the Milford Wax Museum?

Huntz:  Milford Wax Museum?   I never heard of such a place.  Where is this wax museum?

Uncle Charlie:  It’s right over there, across Main Street.

Huntz:  I don’t  remember ever seeing a wax museum on Main Street.

Uncle Charlie:  You’re not alone, Huntz.  The fact is, most people don’t know of its existence either.  Besides his talent as an artist with make-up and wax, Mortimer is also possessed of a very peculiar gift — a gift of camouflage, or, illusion.

Joan:  Illusion?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, Mortimer somehow manages to make his wax museum seem invisible to the casual passer-by.

Lou:  Invisible?  You mean like the Invisible Man?  How does he do that?

Uncle Charlie:  That’s a mystery, Lou.  I only know that he does.  Many is the time I’ve caught myself walking right past Morts wax museum without even seeing it.  I sometimes  get a chill wondering how he does it.  Very mysterious.

Huntz:  Uncle Charlie, you have to show us this place.

Lou:  Are you kidding, Huntz ?  That place sound creepy.

Joan:  And eerie.

Uncle Charlie:  Does it to you?  But of course you’ve never been there.  I have been through Mort’s wax museum many times, and I find it neither creepy, nor eerie, just mysterious.

Lou:  I’ll take mysterious and leave it alone.

Uncle Charlie: You mean you are not interested in seeing the Milford Wax Museum?

Lou:  What, a place that disappears right here on Main Street?  You bet I’m not interested.   What if it disappears when we’re inside?

Uncle Charlie:  It doesn’t disappear Lou.  Like I said a moment ago, it simply seems invisible, but it’s right there the whole time.  We’ll all be perfectly safe.

Lou:   Sure, sure, perfectly safe in an invisible wax museum.  And  another thing I just thought of:  I bet he even has a chamber of horrors in there.  All those wax museums have a chamber of horrors.

Uncle Charlie:  You mean with wax figures of those monsters?

Lou:  Yeah, Frankenstein’s monster, and the Wolf-man, and Dracula.

Uncle Charlie:  I must be truthful with you Lou, he has all of those, and more.

Lou:   You’re not getting me into any wax museum with guys like the Frankenstein monster and the Wolf-man and Dracula inside.

Uncle Charlie:  But then you will miss seeing the Bride of Frankenstein that Mort completed just last year, she is stunning, and life-like,  if that term applies in this case, to the finest detail.  I am told that in the right light, and if a person is the least bit imaginative, Mort’s figures  actually appear to move.

Lou:  To move?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, to move.  One friend told me that as he walked past the figure of the Wolf-man he could have sworn he felt a hairy hand, or a paw upon his shoulder.  Another friend said that once, as he was looking at  Dracula, he could  feel the vampire’s eyes boring in to his own, then, as he hurried away, he could feel the flutter of bats wings practically bush his face in the darkness.

Lou:  That does it!  Chemistry homework or no chemistry homework, I’m not going into any wax museum that has hairy hands that grab you, and vampire eyes, and bats and who knows what else!

Uncle Charlie:  But Lou, wait until you hear this:  Last time I saw Mort he was working  on a new project for the gallery, but he was keeping it’s identity a secret.  Don’t you want to find out what it is?

Lou:  No thank you, I’ve had enough.  Between the strange things going on at the Little Theatre, and Halloween just around the corner, I don’t need any life-like monsters to help  keep me  awake at night.  I’m doing that right now all by myself.

Uncle Charlie: Suit yourself Lou, but you’ll be missing out on a great experience.   I’m beginning to think now it would have been better if I’d taken the vacuum cleaner in to Max first thing.  It is a bit inconvenient lugging this thing around.

Bonita:  Can’t you drop it once we get inside the wax museum?

Uncle Charlie:  Say that again Bonita.

Bonita:  Oh, I didn’t mean to drop it literally.

Uncle Charlie:  Of course, I know what you meant, but you’ve just hit on the solution.  Drop it, that’s the key!

Joan:  The key to what?

Uncle Charlie:  The key to your unknown young admirers shyness.  Bonita’s timely utterance of the word ‘drop’ reminded me of a similar case in my high school days; a young man by the name of Willoughby Bunsteader was secretly enamored of a young woman by the name of Graveline Potts.  He could never muster the courage to speak to her, or even approach her, until one day  between geometry and Spanish class she dropped her protractor.  Willoughby seized upon the opportunity and rushed forward, scooping the protractor off the floor with great dexterity and returning it to Miss Potts.  Her smile and warn thank you, combined with his own sudden action, instantly dissolved Willoughby’s prior reticence, and, almost at once he became a most ardent suitor.

Joan:  Most ardent?  You mean like sending flowers?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, flowers.

Joan: And chocolates?

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, in the heart-shaped box and all.

Joan:  Wow.  And writing poems to her?

Uncle Charlie:  Well, perhaps not that far, after all no young man likes it to be known that he writes poetry, unless of course he has a British accent, or perhaps a rugged-looking scar on his cheek.  Willoughby however spoke with as pure a Midwestern twang as the best of us, and his cheeks still looked as soft as a babies bottom.  Bold as he may be in bestowing flowers and chocolates, he knew ’twas best to give poetry a pass.  Theirs was a great high-school romance, and it didn’t end there either.  They stayed together all through college and were eventually married.  They have seven children together.

Joan:    All  because a girl dropped her protractor.

Uncle Charlie:  Exactly my dear, and I say what worked on Willoughby may also work on your young man.  All you need to do is drop something.

Joan:  I haven’t got a protractor on me at the moment.  Here’s a pen, do you think that would work?

Uncle Charlie:  Sure, anything like that.

Joan:  Here goes.  Drops pen to ground.

Enter two young looking teenage boys.  One stops, picks up pen, and hands it to Joan.

Young teenage boy:  Here you go m’am.

Joan:  Thanks.

Exit two teenage boys.

Joan:  Did you hear that?  He called me m’am.  What do I look like, somebodies grandmother?

Uncle Charlie:  Probably a couple of freshmen.  You know how everyone else in high school looks so much older when you’re a freshman.

Joan:  Freshman or not, I think he needs to have his eyes examined.

Lou:  Look, here come two seniors, both of them starters on the football team.  Try it with them.

Joan:  Okay, here goes again.  Drops pen as two high school senior  boys enter.  One picks up pen and hands it to Joan.

First senior:  Here you go, you dropped this.

Joan:  Thank you.  Say, you guys are on the football team, aren’t you?

Second senior:  That’s right.

Joan:  You know, I go to all the home games.

First senior:  That’s great.  I remember I loved going to all the Milford home games when I was in middle school too.  Well, we gotta go.

Second senior:  Yeah, bye little girl.

Exit two high school senior teenage boys.

Joan:  Did you hear that Uncle Charlie?  Little girl!

Uncle Charlie:  Don’t lose heart Joan.

Joan:  You know the problem with me?  I’ve got no feminine charm.   I’m just a dud.

Uncle Charlie:  Nonsense my dear. None of those was the right boy.  You wait, you’ll see when your young man comes along. Now on to the wax museum.  Once I introduce you to Mort, I want you to finish telling me about the strange noises and things going on at the Little Theatre.  I think if there really is anything going on there, he can be of help in solving the mystery.

Lighting shifts to a different part of the stage, where Cesar is seated at a bench as Ilinca enters.

Ilinca:  There you are, you good for nothing.  Where have you been all this time?

Cesar:  My darling, I have been here the whole time, I swear it.

Ilinca: Doing what, watching all the pretty girls go by?

Cesar:  I have watched not even a single one.  I have been sitting here listening.

Ilinca:  Listening, eh?  To what have you been listening for so long?  Is there some concert going on?  I hear nothing that could keep you here for so long just listening.

Cesar:  Shhh.  If you will just be quiet, I will explain everything to you.  Now, come, sit down beside me.  What I have to say will give you something to think about, then you will be glad I sit here for so long.

Ilinca:  Always you give me plenty to think about, but  never it makes me feel glad.  Always you give me  great big headache, chasing after the pretty girls.

Cesar:  Me?  I never chased after a one.

Ilinca:  No, never a one.  Maybe two or three or four! Who knows how many?

Cesar:  Ilinca, believe me, I never chase after the pretty girls.

Ilinca:  Aha!  So you admit you notice how pretty are all the girls!

Cesar:  Me?  No, I notice no such things.  All the girls look all the same to me:  no pretty, just all like, like my mother.

Ilinca:  Your mother is very beautiful woman.

Cesar:  Sure, but she is my mother, I no notice such a thing in my own mother.  That’s the way I see all the other girls. even if other people see pretty girl, I see just the same as my mother.

Ilinca:  What about that blonde?

Cesar:  Blonde?  What blonde?

Ilinca:  You know what blonde, or do I maybe have to tear out your moustache to make you remember?

Cesar:  No, no.  Do you mean the blonde, I mean Miss Betty, in the show?

Ilinca:  That’s the one, that blonde Betty.  I see the way you make eyes at her.

Cesar:  I no make eyes at blonde Betty, I merely look at her in character.

Ilinca:  Since when people look with the lips?  I see the way you kiss her.

Cesar:  You see me kiss blonde Betty?

Ilinca:  Aha, you think you get away with some hanky panky!

Cesar:  No, no, I swear.  It’s in the script.  I have to kiss blonde Betty.

Ilinca:  Yeah, one time script says you kiss her.  How come I see you kiss her plenty times?

Cesar:  We got to rehearse.

Ilinca:  Not like that you don’t.  Also, script says blonde Betty is supposed to be your grandmother.  Is that the way you kiss your grandmother?

Cesar:  No! Never!  How can you say such a thing?  My poor grandmother would blush with shame.

Ilinca:  Aha!  I knew it!

Cesar:  Knew what?

Ilinca: That all the time you was kissing blonde Betty you was not thinking about your grandmother, you was thinking about blonde Betty!

Cesar: Ilinca,  my angel, my turnip, I swear it no!  I was thinking only of you.

Ilinca:  Thinking of me?  That’s a good one.  How can you say that, you no good good for nothing, when blonde Betty is blonde and my hair is black?

Cesar:  Curse her blonde hair!  It is your hair I love.

Ilinca:  And blonde Betty has blue eyes, and mine are dark.

Cesar:  Curse her blue eyes!  It is your eyes I love.

Ilinca:  And blonde Betty is big —

Cesar:  She not so big, almost same size as you, up to here.

Ilinca:  I don’t mean big like that.  I mean big like this.  She got the big bosums.

Cesar:  I never noticed blonde Bettys  bosums.

Ilinca:  Never noticed, eh?

Cesar:  No, I swear.  All the time we do show together she is wearing grandmother dress, up to here.

Ilinca:  Aha, but what about rehearsals?  She no wear grandmother dress at rehearsals.  And what about flashback number, huh, what about that one?   She wear low-cut blouse in that number.  I see the way blonde Betty lean forward at front of stage in low-cut blouse, I see the way all the men look at her in low-cut blouse, and you tell me you no notice?

Cesar:  I not on stage for flashback number.  My character not even born in flashback number.  Whole time I stand back of curtain, look through peep-hole, wait for cue.  I no see blonde Betty’s low-cut blouse because whole time I watch her from behind.

Ilinca: From behind?

Cesar:  That’s right.

Ilinca:  Whole time you watch blonde Betty from behind?

Cesar:  I swear it.  Whole time I never see one bosom.  I only watch  behind.

Ilinca:  So! whole time you can’t take your eyes from blonde Betty’s behind!  Maybe you like her behind better than mine!

Cesar: Ilinca, no!  Curse her bosums!  Blast her behind!  It is your bosums and your behind I love.

Ilinca: (Screams)  You monster, you fiend, you devil!

Cesar:  What?

Ilinca:  I am disgraced!

Cesar:  Disgraced, how?  What did I do?

Ilinca:  Oh, my poor Mama.  Thank God she is not here to listen to her daughter be shamed in such a way.  If only Papa were here, he would protect my honor.  Why, with his bare hands he would break you in two for disgracing his little Ilinca.

Cesar:  Ilinca, please,  how did I disgrace you?  What did I say?

Ilinca:   How can you say ‘what did I say’?  You know what you say.  In front of all these people, all these strangers,  in this strange country, you go shouting around the whole town  about my bosums and my behind.

Cesar:  The whole place?  What?  I was not shouting.  You are shouting.

Ilinca:  You do not love me.  I am just a catalogue of parts to you.

Cesar:  Ilinca, please, my angel, my pet, my own pumpkin, believe me.  It is you I love, the whole you, not the parts.

Ilinca:  What’s wrong with my parts?

Cesar:  Nothing.  I love them too, but only as part of the whole.

Ilinca:  Sure, you say you love me. Is it because you love me send me here with Grigore and the Professor and that horrible Plamen , so you can stay behind and stare at blonde Betty’s behind?

Cesar:  Ilinca, my own little radish, she is not my blonde Betty, I swear it.  I stayed only because producer say I must stay to finish show.  Can I help it if it was big success?  He says if I leave before final week, contract says he no have to pay me.  What could I do? Things not so good in our country right now. You know we need any money we can make so we get married.

Ilinca:  Married!  Ha!

Cesar:  Ilinca!

Ilinca:  For three years now you keep saying we get married soon. But look, three years and still Ilinca is not married.  What my family think?

Cesar:  Your family has waited three years already.  Surely they can wait a little more.

Ilinca:  Maybe they can, but I not so sure about me.

Cesar:  Ilinca!

Ilinca:  You just a no good wolf, that’s what you are.  You keep me put away on shelf,  then you go chasing after your blonde Betty and all the other pretty girls, but you no care about Ilinca.

Cesar:  Ilinca, my angel, my own sweet tender-leafed cabbage, how can you say such things?

Ilinca.  No cabbages for you!  I am not your Garden of Eden.  Keep your hands to yourself, you snake.

Cesar:  But snakes do not have hands.

Ilinca:  Don’t try to change the subject.

Cesar:  Ilinca, please listen to me.   I get big idea sitting here,  that’s what I want to tell you about.  You listen to this, then you see how much your Cesar want to marry you, soon as possible.

Ilinca:  Well, I listen, but I not so sure I see.

Cesar:  Okay.  Just listen, but pretty soon, you see.  Now I got to talk quiet so those people don’t hear me.

Ilinca:  What people?

Cesar:  Those, over there.  You recognize them?

Ilinca:  Yes, those are those high school kids who keep getting in the way at the high school, at Little Theatre.

Cesar:  I thought so.  I heard them talking all about it.  Wait till you hear what I have to tell you.

Ilinca: Well, go on tell me.

Cesar: They think something funny is up at the Little Theatre.

Ilinca:  You think they suspect something?

Cesar:  I don’t know, but they were telling the man there, he is their uncle,  Uncle Charlie, they were telling them about strange noises, and things, and just now, before you got here, he asked them to tell him  and another fellow, this Mort, all about theses noises and things.  Uncle Charlie  maybe this Mort fellow can figure it out.

Ilinca:  Hmm.  This is not so good.  I think maybe we tell the Professor about those kids.

Cesar:  Sure, we tell Professor,  then maybe we find treasure right away and get out of here, go home.

Ilinca:  Ya.  This taking much too long.  Professor make it sound so simple when we take job to help him search for treasure.  He no tell us we have to put on big  phony act for people at Milford High School, and have to sneak around Little Theatre, always like we some guilty criminals.

Cesar:  I wonder about that too.  I figure maybe you find treasure before I even get here.  What is taking so long?

Ilinca:  I don’t know.  We no find treasure.  Professor say he think it hidden under stage.  Every day I look under stage, crawl around, with flashlight, dig around, little bit every day.  But so far no find, then those kids, every time they come around I have to be quiet, sit still and wait until they go.  Professor, he start to get impatient.  Plamen, he got evil look in his eye, like he going to do something bad pretty soon.  I glad you here now, Cesar.  With two we look twice as fast.

Cesar:  I glad I here too.  I don’t like look in Plamen’s eye anytime.  Now, listen to this:  See that boy Lou, right there?  He is so scared of everything, he is almost afraid of his own shadow.

Ilinca:  What?  How you know this?

Cesar:  What you think I listen to this whole time?  I tell you.  When Uncle  Charlie wants to take kids to this wax museum, that the place where this Mort fellow is, Lou ask him if wax museum got figures of Dracula and Wolf-man and Frankenstein monster, and what you think?

Ilinca:  I don’t know, what?

Cesar:  When Uncle Charlie tell Lou yes, Mort’s museum got all those, plus more, and then Uncle Charlie give him big story how people think they see statues move, this kid Lou turn all pale like ghost and say he no go to museum.

Ilinca:  Cesar, you really hear something.  Lou is big scaredy-cat.

Cesar: You bet.  I say to myself, ‘What this big scaredy-cat do when he find out we from Carpathian Mountains, from very place where legends of Dracula, and Wolf-man and Frankenstein monster are born?’

Ilinca: And so, what you think he do when he find out?

Cesar:  I don’t know, but I think it good thing to know.  You think so too?

Ilinca:  Ya, you right Cesar.  Sometimes when people so scared, they tell you all about things, without thinking much what they say, maybe tell you things meant for secret.

Cesar: That’s right.  Now listen, those kids say something more that gives me big idea.  That little girl there, she  called Joan, she thinks no boy  ever gives her second look.  Her uncle, he tries to tell her some boy must like her, only she got to drop something so he can pick it up and give it to her.

Ilinca: Huh?

Cesar:  Must be some crazy American custom.  Anyway, little Joan is convinced she got no feminine charm.

Ilinca:  I see what she mean.   Still, she no little girl.   Give her couple years, then boys notice.

Cesar:  That’s just it, she don’t want to wait couple years.  She feeling pretty sad, like no boy ever like her.  Uncle keep trying to cheer her up, so I get big idea:  what if cheer her up myself?

Ilinca:  What you talking about Cesar?  Why you want to cheer up little Joan?  We too busy.  Let her get own boyfriend.

Cesar:  Ilinca, my pet, my very own sweet parsnip  you miss point.   I make myself boyfriend of little Joan.

Ilinca:  You, make boyfriend with  little Joan?    What about me?  You forget you already got girlfriend.

Cesar:  I no forget you,  I do this for you Ilinca.  I just pretend to be boyfriend of little Joan, then maybe I find out what they suspect, and how much then know.    I want to find treasure soon as possible so Professor pay us like he promise, then we go home and get married, right away.  But also I think maybe those kids maybe get in way, maybe upset plans, so I figure if I pretend to be boyfriend of Joan, I find out all they know, make sure they no upset plans.  Also, I no like what you just tell me about sneaking around like criminal and putting on big act.  That not part of our deal with Professor.   Sooner we find treasure,  sooner we stop all this bad business, and sooner we go home,  get married.

Ilinca:  Ya, ya, I see.  Sooner we find treasure, sooner we get married.  This big idea of yours really something, you know?  When you going to start?

Cesar:  Right now.  I want them to take me when they go to meet this Mort fellow.

Ilinca:  Right now?  How you going to do that?  Besides, you too old for Joan, she still young teenager.  Her Uncle not gonna let you be her boyfriend.

Cesar:  I pretend to be younger, maybe just a little bit older than she.  Then uncle no object.

Ilinca:  What about me?    You cannot make yourself boyfriend little Joan when your betrothed is standing right here whole time.  How you explain that?

Cesar:  I not think of that.  I know, I tell them you my sister.

Ilinca:  Sister!

Cesar:  You got better idea?

Ilinca:  No.  Okay, I pretend to be sister.  You sure you can make Joan believe you teenage boy with crush?

Cesar:  Ilinca!  How many times you see me on  stage?  You see me make  audience feast from  palm of  hand.  You watch me, even you believe I have crush on little Joan.

Ilinca:  I tell you this you big bad wolf, I better believe you just pretending.

Cesar:  Of course, of course.  This is just acting to me.  It is all strictly business.

Ilinca:  That’s right, strictly business.  And  you make sure it’s no monkey business.  I keep my eye on you, just to make sure.

Cesar:  Ilinca!  Still you no trust me?  I am wounded.

Ilinca:  No so wounded as you be if you make wrong move with Joan.  Remember, I watch you whole time.

Cesar: Okay.  Here I go– wait, I no can just walk up to Joan, she got to drop something first.  They getting ready to go. What I do?

Ilinca:  Hurry, think of something.

Cesar:  You got pen or notebook or something?

Ilinca:  What for, you want to write her letter?

Cesar:  No, no, to drop it.

Ilinca:  Here is notebook, but what good that do?  She is one supposed to drop it.

Cesar:  I know, but I make-believe I think she drop it.  You wait, you see.  Hurries forward to where Uncle Charlie, Joan, Bonita, Lou, and Huntz are finishing their conversation and discreetly drops Ilinca’s notebook at Joan’s feet.

copyright 2017 r.k.m

 

 

 

 

 

Get some chills and laughs, inspired by the classic horror and comedy-mystery films of the past. Fun for all ages. Grab a part, break a leg, and ham on!

Mystery-comedy script.  Click here to start at Campfire Creepers Three: Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 1)

 

Ilinca:  Another plan?  One where you and I no have to be face to face with Dracula?  Boy, that pretty tough.   Wait a minute, what I saying?  Of course, how silly of me to forget.

Lou:  Forget what Ilinca?

Ilinca:  Van Helsing, vampire slayer.  That’s it, why I not think of before?  Great-great grandson of Van Helsing  live near our village.  We get hold of Van Helsing.  He fix those vampires.

Lou:  You mean he’ll come here, and help us?

Ilinca:  Sure he will.  Van Helsing always help people with vampires.

Lou:  This is wonderful Ilinca.  You’re certainly a big help.  I’m so glad you’re here.

Ilinca:  Thank you Lou.  But you got to promise something.  You got to promise not to tell anyone what we suspect, and don’t send anyone crawling around under stage of Little Theatre looking for anything.  Not even a peek.    I make sure kids rehearse in  teachers room, so they not in any danger.  I want make sure no one gets hurt, okay?  Soon as Van Helsing gets here, he take a look around, right away he will know what to do.  He fix vampires good, then Professor and Plamen will leave and no bother you people no more, and everybody be okay.  But you got to promise Lou.

Lou:  Okay Ilinca, I promise.  I won’t say anything to the others.

Ilinca:  Good.  Now we got to go find Uncle Grigore, he is one knows how to get hold of Van Helsing.

Lou:  He must still be in the wax museum.

Ilinca:  Ya, that’s what I think too.  Well, looks like we got to see wax monsters after all. You ready?

Lou:  Do I have to go in there?

Ilinca:  It make you feel better if I hold your hand?

Lou:  Hold my hand, right out here in front of everybody?

Ilinca:  Sure, here, all the way to wax museum.

Lou: I feel kind of embarrassed.  What will people think if they see us holding hands?

Ilinca:  They no think anything about boy and girl holding hands.  Unless you get carried away.

Lou:  Me, carried away? How?

Ilinca:  If  first you take hold my one hand, like this, then you take hold my other hand like this. Then you let go both hands and put your arms around me like this, and pull me close like this, and then you look into my dark eyes and you say, in deep husky voice (does deep husky voice) Ah, Ilinca my dark-eyed beauty, how I have longed for this moment to hold you in my arms.  Now, my little sweet potato,  now that I have you in my big strong arms, I will put my burning lips next to your soft, trembling lips and kiss you so  you never forget. (resumes normal voice)  And then you kiss me,  just like you say, big, long he-man kiss. That is carried away.

Lou:  Ilinca?

Ilinca:  Yes Lou?

Lou:  I think I’m ready to go face those monsters now.

Ilinca; (laughing) Okay big boy, let’s go.

They exit together towards Main Street as lights go down.

End of Act One.

copyright 2017 r.k.morris

Get some chills and laughs, inspired by the classic horror and comedy-mystery films of the past. Fun for all ages. Grab a part, break a leg, and ham on!

Mystery-comedy script.  Click here to start at Campfire Creepers Three: Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 1)

 

Lou:  The stage, that’s another thing.  Do you know that sometimes when I’m in there all alone, not even the Professor or Plamen anywhere in sight, and I sit real still, I hear noises under the stage?

Ilinca: Noises?  What kind of noises?

Lou:  How should I know what kind of noises?  Muffled noises, like somebody looking for something or moving things around under there.

Ilinca:  This not good that you hear these noises.

Lou:  You bet it’s not good, and thanks to you Ilinca, I’m going to get to the bottom of it.

Ilinca:  Thanks to me?

Lou:  That’s right.  When I think of how brave you are when any time you could run into a vampire or a werewolf or the Frankenstein monster,  I feel ashamed for being such a coward.  I intend to find out what is going on at the Little Theatre, now matter how dangerous it may be.

Ilinca:  You got any ideas?

Lou:  No.  You?

Ilinca:  No, I got no clue.

Lou;  The first thing is to think of the possible suspects.

Ilinca: Suspects?

Lou:  Yeah.  When solving a mystery, you always have to consider who all the suspects are.  Let’s see, there’s a whole list of characters who could have any reason for being up to no good.  The worst of the bunch is Dracula, but tonight is the full moon, so I guess we have to consider the Wolf-man too.  There haven’t been any thunderstorms for a while, so I suppose we can rule out the Frankenstein monster.  Then there also the people, the Professor and that Plamen, I wonder?…No, he’s definitely the one that worries me the most.

Ilinca:  The Professor?

Lou: No, Dracula.

Ilinca:   Oh, you think is Dracula?

Lou:   I’m almost positive it’s him, although I haven’t ruled out the Wolf-man.  The question is, why would Dracula be digging around under the stage at the Little Theatre?  There’s only one way to find out.  We’ll have to sneak in there one night, when everybody is gone and take a look around underneath the stage.

Ilinca:  I don’t think he would like that.

Lou: Dracula?

Ilinca:  No, the Professor.

Lou:  The Professor!  Why would he mind if we helped solve the mystery that was jeopardizing his show?

Ilinca:  He doesn’t like distractions.  Also he like to keep on  tight schedule.  Professor get very upset if somebody interrupt his schedule.  It best we no interfere with Professors plans.  You  drop this whole idea, we no go dig around under stage at Little Theatre.

Lou:  Dig, Ilinca, that’s it.

Ilanca:  Is what?

Lou:  Is the key to this whole mystery, that’s what.  I see it all now.  Do you know why every time I heard those noises under the stage I never saw the Professor or Plamen in the Little Theatre.

Ilinca:  They was in the boy’s room?

Lou: No, they were not in the boy’s room.  Do you know how I know that?

Ilinca: I suppose you going to tell me?

Lou:  You’re darn right I’m going to tell you.  It’s because it must have been those two, the Professor and Plamen, I heard under the stage.  And do you know what they were doing under there?

Ilinca:  Digging?

Lou:  No.

Ilinca:  Buy you said digging was key to mystery.

Lou:  That’s right.  That’s what I said.  But Plamen and the Professor weren’t digging, no, but they were moving big boxes of something that had already been dug.

Ilinca:  Big boxes?  Of what big boxes?

Lou:  Dirt.

Ilinca: Dirt?

Lou: Yes, and do you know where the dirt comes from?  From Transylvania, that’s where.  And do you know why the dirt is from Transylvania?  Because a vampire has to rest during the day somewhere dark in a coffin filled with dirt from his home land, and that proves that Dracula is the one behind all this!  He is turning the Little Theatre into his secret hiding place.

Ilinca:  Dracula do that?

Lou: Yes he do.

Ilinca: Dracula?  Yes, Lou, I see now what you mean.  Makes sense that Dracula is one behind strange noises at Little Theatre.  But wait a minute.  If Dracula in Little Theatre, we got to get kids out of there, got to stop whole show.  Tell everybody stay away from Little Theatre.    I pretty sure in little while Professor and Plamen leave Milford for different place.  Dracula go with them, I positive of that.  Then you nice peoples got nothing to worry about.  No mysteries, no vampire, no Professor, no Plamen.  Only please tell everybody stay away from Little Theatre till they gone.

Lou:  No Ilinca, we can’t do that.

Ilinca:  Why not?

Lou:  We have to get proof.

Ilinca:  Proof?  What proof?

Lou:   Like I said, we have to sneak into the Little Theatre, tonight, when everybody is gone and while Dracula is out.  We have to crawl in under the stage, and find those coffins, and get some of the Transylvanian dirt, and maybe something in there with Dracula’s crest on it, and bring it out and show it to everyone else.

Ilinca:  What if Dracula comes back while we still in there?

Lou:  I didn’t think of that.  Do you think it would be pretty bad if he found us?

Ilinca:  I think so.  I think Dracula be plenty mad if he come back from being big terror to  innocent people and find us digging up dirt from his coffins.

Lou:  You do?

Ilinca:  Ya, I  think he do that hipsnosis thing with his eyes, then when we are powerless in his spell, I think maybe he be big terror to us too, maybe  drink our blood.

Lou:  Did you say blood?

Ilinca:  Ya, blood.   What’s the matter, Lou? You don’t look so good all of a sudden.

Lou:    I don’t feel so good all of a sudden.  I guess I’m just a big coward after all.  Can you help me think of another plan, one where you and I don’t ever have to come face to face with Dracula?

 

To be continued. . .

 

Copyright 2017 r.k.morris

 

 

 

 

Get some chills and laughs, inspired by the classic horror and comedy-mystery films of the past. Fun for all ages. Grab a part, break a leg, and ham on!

Mystery-comedy script.  Click here to start at Campfire Creepers Three: Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 1)

 

Lou:  Ilinca, I just thought of something.  A silver bullet isn’t any good against the were-wolf, unless you fire it from a rifle.

Ilinca:  Rifle?

Lou:  Yeah, you know, Pow!

Ilinca:  Yeah, rifle.  Well, I tell you  Lou, I no can bring rifle from my country  to America.

Lou:  That’s right, I forgot.  But, when you’re at home, on the nights of the full moon, do you carry a rifle?

Ilinca:  Ah, my little rifle Lou.

Lou:  Your little rifle?

Ilinca:  Ya, my father give me small rifle, was his ever since he was boy.  Papa called it  his squirrel- gun.

Lou:  Did your father hunt squirrel?

Ilinca:  No, he no hunt.  We got plenty food, and no got time be chasing animals with rifle.  He call it squirrel gun because light and easy for small boy or girl to use.  No kick. Papa what you call marksman.

Lou:  A marksman?  You mean he was an expert at hitting targets?

Ilinca:  That’s it, he shoot at targets, always hits the bulls-eyes.  When Papa in military, he win plenty medals for marksmanships.  Because of Papa, his outfit always win shooting competition with other units in military.  After Papa done with service in military, he still like to shoot, so he enter contests whenever he can.  One day he enter big contest with best marksmen from all over whole region, and what you think?

Lou: Did your father win?

Ilinca:  You bet he won.  And you know what else?  First prize for winner was brand new rifle.  Finest rifle made for target shooting.  Papa very happy with prize rifle, but he still like his little squirrel gun.  So he teach me all about safety, how to clean rifle,  everything he learn in military, and how to shoot, be expert shot like him,  then he give me his squirrel gun, so I have rifle to shoot silver bullet at were-wolf.

Lou:  I bet you felt safer, having that squirrel gun with you during a full moon, just in case.

Ilinca:  Ya, was good feeling to know I was prepared, just in case.  Was good little rifle, I was good shot too.  I miss my little squirrel gun, especially when is full moon.

Lou:  Miss it? What happened?

Ilinca:  Is long story Lou.  Start six, seven years ago, when I little girl.  I really not follow story because I so young, Uncle Grigore, he follow story.  What I learn from him is that about that time we have big change in our country.

Lou:  Big change?

Ilinca;  Ya, new leaders get elected, start passing all kind of laws, make government bigger, say they going to do all kinds of things for the people.

Lou: What kinds of things?

Ilinca: I don’t know.  Uncle Grigore, he maybe know.  One thing I tell you is I keep hearing how people not get along so well like when I was little girl, but I say to myself, what happened?  We same people as before, now with new government we told we no get along with each other, how this possible?

Lou:  Sure sounds strange.  So what happened to your rifle?

Ilinca:  Oh, ya.  Remember I tell you government started passing all kind of laws?  One day they pass law make it illegal for citizen to own gun.

Lou:  Did they come to your house?

Ilinca:  No, one night, during full moon, I was out with torch and silver bullet and squirrel gun–

Lou:  And your cross.

Ilinca:  Ya, and cross, right here.  Anyway, there  I was, keeping eye out for vampire and were-wolves, when what you think?  Man see me,  shout, ‘hey little girl, what you got there? ‘ then come up to me, looking at me like I some kind of criminal, he show me what you call– credentials from government, and he say  I no more can own this rifle, and he take it from me.

Lou: Just like that?

Ilinca:  Ya.  Big government take my squirrel-gun away.

Lou:  So now what will you do if you see a were-wolf?

Ilinca:  Now what I do?  I show were-wolf silver bullet and hope for best.

Lou:   I don’t think that will do much good.

Ilinca:  You telling me.   Make me more careful to not walk around at time of full moon.

Lou:  Didn’t your government suggest any plan to protect yourselves?

Ilinca:  They do more than suggest.  When they take away guns, they give us whistle to blow on.

Lou:  A whistle?

Ilinca: Yes.

Lou: To blow on?

Ilinca:  That’s right. Make plenty loud noise.

Lou:  Is that to frighten the werewolf away?

Ilinca:  No, loud noise  so government man  can hear, and know where to look for body.

Lou:   At least since tonight is a full moon we’re together with our two silver bullets.  You don’t think a were-wolf will come out early tonight, do you?

Ilinca:  I don’t think we got to worry about that.  Every were-wolf I ever see or hear about wait till after dark.  Remember, is something about full moon rising in sky.

Lou;  That’s right.  At least we’re safe until it gets dark.

Ilinca:  Lou, is my turn to ask you something.  Whole time we talk, I keep thinking you look familiar to me.  Where I see you before?

Lou:  At the Little Theatre.

Ilinca;  Little Theatre?

Lou;  Sure, you know, at Milford High, I’ve seen you there,  working on the play.

Ilinca:  Oh, is that where I see you?  I guess I too busy to pay much attention.  That’s right, now you remind me, your cousins, Joan and Bonita, and Huntz, they all there too.  You are all what is called ‘student director’ am I right?

Lou:  That’s right.  Although there isn’t much to direct.

Ilinca:  Not much to direct? What you mean?

Lou:  I mean that show that Professor guy brought with him. Whose idea was it to bring in a cultural exchange director for this show anyway?  And why couldn’t he let us do Peppa Pig, like we were going to do?  Instead he brings in some play called Stonehenge Jr.

Ilinca:  You no like Stonehenge Jr.?

Lou:  No like?  What’s to like?  There is no set, no costumes, no props, and hardly any lines.  The performers just sit around in a circle and pretend they are a bunch of stones, communicating in soft monotones with each other, contemplating the effects of wind and weather on their grey surfaces. Whose idea of a play is that?  Usually the work shop has two or three moms and dads, and the dressing room is full of moms doing costumes and make up all through rehearsal, but because of this dreary show we’re doing, the whole backstage area is empty.  Almost all the rehearsals are done is Ms. Weeks’ room.  I walk into the Little Theatre most days and I don’t see a single living person, except that Professor fellow and the strange guy, Plamen.  Why are they hanging around inside the Little Theatre if there is nothing to do on the stage, and all the performers are out in another room?

Ilinca:  They love  The Stage?

 

To be continued. . .

Copyright 2017 r.k.morris

 

 

 

Get some chills and laughs, inspired by the classic horror and comedy-mystery films of the past. Fun for all ages. Grab a part, break a leg, and ham on!

Mystery-comedy script.  Click here to start at the beginning Campfire Creepers Three: Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 1)

 

Uncle Charlie:  What about you, Cesar, Uncle Grigore, would you care to join us?

Cesar:  You going, Miss Joan?

Joan:  It does sound a little creepy, but I’ll go if you do.

Cesar:  Sure, then we have time to talk before dance.  I like to hear all about you, about things you do.

Joan:  The dance isn’t until Saturday night.

Cesar:  Good, that gives us more time.   Well, I ready.  We go see wax museum now?

Ilinca:  Uncle Grigore, I think you go with Cesar and others.  Keep eye on him, make sure he no get into trouble.

Cesar:  Me?  What kind of trouble?

Ilinca:  Uncle Grigore knows, right Uncle Grigore?

Grigore:  Sure, I know.  Well, what we waiting for?  Let’s go to wax museum.

Bonita:  We have to follow Uncle Charlie.  He has to show us  to the wax museum.

Grigore:  Sure, we all go together, but what for Uncle Charlie got to show us?  Is right over there.

Uncle Charlie:  Say that again please, Uncle Grigore.

Grigore:  You mean about wax museum?  Is right over there.

Uncle Charlie:  Over there?

Grigore:  Sure, by door with sign that say ‘Opera House Built 1875.’  Right between restaurant and bride’s dress shop.

Uncle Charlie:  Then you really can see it.

Grigore:  Sure I see.  All the time I keep eyes open, look out for little niece, and nephew.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s amazing.

Grigore:  Not so amazing.  I make promise to sister I look out for Ilinca, and Cesar.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes,  but what I meant was that you could see the wax museum at all.

Grigore:  What so amazing about that?  Wax museum right out in open, right  in big building, right between other business.

Bonita:  What do you think it means, Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie:  I don’t know dear, it’s as big a mystery to me as how most people can’t see the museum at all.  We’ll have to ask Mort about this.  I can’t explain.

Grigore:  Is no big mystery. When you live in Carpathian mountains, you see lots of things no can explain.

Uncle Charlie:  The Carpathian mountains, is that your home?

Grigore:  Sure, I live there whole life, same as niece and nephew here.

Uncle Charlie;  It sounds very interesting,  Perhaps you could tell me more about it as we go?

Grigore:  Sure, I tell you.

Uncle Charlie:  Ilinca, Lou, are you two sure you won’t join us?

Ilinca:  We okay right here Uncle Charlie.  We see you later perhaps.

Uncle Charlie:  Okay.  Bye for now.

Exit Uncle Charlie, Joan Cesar, Bonita, Huntz and Grigore towards Main Street.

Lou:  Thanks for staying with me Ilinca.  I feel safer already.

Ilinca:  Is no trouble.  You nice boy, make me feel safe too.

Lou:  I do?

Ilinca:  Sure, you big, strong boy.

Lou: Me?

Ilinca: What’s the matter, you no believe?

Lou:  Sure, I believe.  Do you believe?

Ilinca:  Sure, why else I say if I no believe?  I think is best thing for you to stick close to Ilinca.  Like you say, is safer for both me and for you.

Lou:    Ilinca,  there is something I need to ask you.  Did I just hear Uncle Grigore say you are from the Carpathian Mountains?

Ilinca:  Ya, Sure. Carpathian Mountains.  All of us, Uncle Grigore, Cesar, and me,  Mama, Papa, all the other aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, bunicile, bunici —

Lou:  Bunici, are those some Italian relatives?

Ilinca:  No, Bunicile and bunici is grandmamma and grandpapa.  Like I say,  we all there, in village in Carpathian Mountains.  You been  Carpathian Mountains?

Lou:  No, I’ve never been there.  Aren’t the Carpathian Mountains in Transylvania?

Ilinca:  Sure, that’s right.  You been Transylvania?

Lou:  No.

Ilinca:  You know much about Transylvania?

Lou:  Only what I see in the movies.

Ilinca:  Oh,  only the movies?  That’s great.  Ask me anything you like, I can tell you plenty more about Transylvania.

Lou:  Is your village in Transylvania?

Ilinca:  No, is right next door in little country called Scramsylvania.

Lou:  Scramsylvania?  I never heard of that place before.

Ilinca:  Hardly nobody ever heard of Scramsylvania.  Is very small.  Is like–like, what is American phrase for small place, out of way?

Lou:  A one horse town?

Ilinca:  That’s it!  A one horse town,  only we got five horses, three ox-carts,   and one jack-ass.

Lou:  Only one jack-ass?  That must be a small place.  My friend Lenny says we have a lot of jack-asses in our town.

Ilinca;  Really?  I never see one.

Lou:  Neither do I, but Lenny does.  He says they’re a big bother.

Ilinca:  Whose big brother is jack-ass?

Lou:  No, no.  Not brother.  Bother. Bother.

Ilinca:  Oh, bother?  I make mistake.   No, jack-ass in our village no bother most of time.  Do his work, stand in shade under tree when not working.  He very friendly little fellow really.

Lou:  Friendly?

Ilinca:  Sure, he let you scratch behind ears, and give him nice big pat , back here, on rump.

Lou : He sounds like a very familiar fellow.

Ilinca:  Sure is familiar.  We got only one jack-ass in village, see same one every day.  How he not look familiar?   Only time he bother is when wants his oats.

Lou:  His oats?

Ilinca:  Sure, somebody got to take bucket of oats to him, soon as he hear everyone else sit down for dinner inside  house.  He make big bother then,  running around outside, kicking  and making big noise, he no let us forget he is hungry jack ass.  Soon as he gets oats, he calm down.

Lou:  I’m glad to hear he finally behaves himself.  That’s no way to ask for dinner.

Ilinca:  Well, what else can he do?  After dinner,  jack ass no bother for rest of day, unless he walk out in street of village.

Lou;  Does he make trouble in the street?

Ilinca:  That nice way to put, Lou.   I like.  Sure, somebody got to go out with shovel, clean up after jack ass if he make trouble in street.

Lou:  Don’t they have plumbing, or outhouses or something like that in Scramsylvania?

Ilinca:  Sure, we got plenty outhouses.  Some people even got indoor plumbing.  But what good that for jack ass?  Plumbing is for people, not for big hairy animal.

Lou:  Ilinca, you shouldn’t say such things. He may be big and he may be hairy, but after all, every boy has a mother somewhere.  Think how it would hurt her if she heard you talking about her son like that.

Ilinca:  Oh Lou, you funny boy.

Lou:  Me?

Ilinca:  Sure, whole time  when I talking about jack ass,  you think I talking about man.

Lou:  Weren’t you?

Ilinca:  No, I talking about real jack ass, not man make jack ass out of self.

Lou:  Oh.  I bet you think I’m pretty silly.

Ilinca:  No, I no think you silly Lou.  You sweet boy.  I like you.

Lou:You do?

Ilinca:  Sure, you believe all kinds of things, it make what I doing so much easier.

Lou;  Makes what easier, Ilinca?

Ilinca:  Oh, nothing, I guess I just thinking out loud.  What we talking about before get we get confused about jack ass?

Lou:  We were talking about Scramsylvania.

Ilinca:  Yes, that is right.  You telling me you learn about Transylvania from movies, and now you want me tell you about Scramsylvania.

Lou:  That’s right.

Ilinca;  Well, what you want to know?

Lou:  Tell me what it’s  like there, in Scramsylvania.

Ilinca:  Is lot like Transylvania.

Lou:  How much is a lot?

 

To be continued …

 

Copyright 2017 r.k.morris

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get some chills and laughs, inspired by the classic horror and comedy-mystery films of the past. Fun for all ages. Grab a part, break a leg, and ham on!

Mystery-comedy script.  Click here to start at Campfire Creepers Three: Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 1)

 

Uncle Charlie:  I’d like to oblige you Cesar, but I hardly think it’s my place.  You should speak to Joan’s parents.

Joan:  No, Uncle Charlie!

Uncle Charlie:  What is wrong with that suggestion, dear?

Joan:  We’re wasting time.  I mean, it seems like an awful lot of trouble to go tracking down Mom and Dad, when you can settle things right away, I mean, after all, we’re a very close family, and they trust your judgement.

Uncle Charlie: Joan, don’t put me in this spot.

Joan:  Uncle Charlie, please?

Uncle Charlie: Alright dear, I’ll do it, on one condition.

Joan:  Thank you Uncle Charlie.

Uncle Charlie:  Listen to my condition before you get too excited.

Joan: Alright, name it.

Uncle Charlie: It’s simply this: that if your mother and father object or show the least hesitation in allowing you to attend the dance with this young man, the whole thing is off, and no hard feelings.  Agreed?

Joan:  Agreed.  But you’ll let me tell them about him in my own way?

Uncle Charlie:  Fair enough, as long as I am present to make sure you don’t leave out any important details.

Joan:  Alright.

Uncle Charlie:  Very well then.  Cesar, as the senior member of this family present, and acting on behalf of my sister and brother-in-law, and pending their final approval of the arrangement, I give you permission to escort my niece Joan to the Homecoming dance.

Cesar:  Oh boy!  Thank you Uncle Charlie.  You no be sorry.  I make good escort for Joan.  We have good time, but no monkey business, not even on  dance floor.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s fine Cesar.

Cesar:  Yes sir, I telling you.  You can trust Cesar.  Whole time on dance floor, these hands, see?  One hand here, holds her hand, her soft, dainty hand, and one hand here, in middle of back.  No slipping down of the hand, no, no.  I be a perfect gentleman the whole time.

Uncle Charlie:  I am sure Joan’s parents will be glad to hear that.

Cesar:  They not the only ones.

Uncle Charlie: I beg your pardon?

Cesar:  I was  thinking of–of my mother.  Always she wants me to be a perfect gentleman.  She so sweet.  She get hurt if she think I no act like gentleman.  Ilinca knows.  Isn’t that right, Ilinca?

Ilinca:  That’s right, Cesar.

Cesar:  And I was thinking how pleased Mama will be when she finds out what a perfect gentleman I am at  Homecoming dance.

Ilinca:  That’s right Cesar.  She  be pleased.  And you be plenty sorry if you do something that not please Mama.

Cesar: Oh, trust me, Ilanca, I not do anything that not please Mama.

Ilinca:  You such a good boy, Cesar.  I tell Mama all about what perfect gentleman you are at Homecoming dance.

Cesar:  Oh…Thank you Ilinca.

Enter Grigore

Ilinca:  Cesar, look, is Uncle Grigore.  We over here, Uncle Grigore.  Cesar, call Uncle Grigore, so he see us.

Cesar:  Oh, yes, Uncle Grigore, we over here.

Grigore:  Here you two.  I look all up and down the Main Street for you.

Ilinca:  What’s that Uncle Grigore, you got a little problem, you need to ask about all alone?  Okay, just a second.  Excuse me folks, Uncle Grigore, need to talk to me all alone.  I be just a minute.  (pulls Grigore aside)  Listen, I no got time to explain right now, you just need to know that Cesar and I pretend to be brother and sister.  Also he pretend be only sixteen years and I only fifteen years.

Grigore:  Why you pretend such things?

Ilinca:  Like I say, I no got time to explain, only that we got to fool those kids. You recognize those kids?

Grigore:  Sure, they high school students help with play in Little Theatre.  Why you want fool those kids?  They nice kids.

Ilinca:  We got to fool them so maybe we find out what they know.  Cesar, he’s sitting here for long time, he hears them talk all about strange things going on at Little Theatre.  We no want them get in way of plans to find treasure.

Grigore: Ilinca, I no like this.  You hiding around Little Theatre, look for treasure, more like thief in night.  Why big secret, why Professor make all these pretends?  Now you want fool these nice kids.  I say you let Professor find treasure on own, we go home now, leave this before trouble start.

Ilinca:  No!  We got to help Professor find treasure, otherwise he no pay us,  Cesar and I wait long time get married.  This our big chance to have enough money, get married.

Grigore:  Don’t take so much money get married.  We go home, I give you my little bit money, then you and Cesar get married.

Ilinca:  Uncle Grigore, you so kind, but no, I no can take your money.  Besides, we got to do this.  I think if we try leave now, there be even more trouble.  Professor maybe get angry, and Plamen …

Grigore:  Plamen make threats at you?

Ilinca:  No, he no make threats, but I no like look in his eyes.  I tell you, that Plamen, he frightens me.  We stay, finish job for Professor, then, after he pay us, we go home, forget all about this bad business.

Grigore:  Okay, we stay, you finish job for Professor, but I no like.  What you want me do?

Ilinca:  Just pretend Cesar and  I brother and sister, and that we teen-agers, like I tell you.  Also, I tell you now,  worst part is Cesar pretend to have big crush on Joan.  I want you watch him, Uncle Grigore, make sure he behave.

Grigore:  Okay Ilinca.  I watch Cesar.  Also I pretend, but I no like fooling nice kids.  Who is man with kids?

Ilinca:  He is  Uncle Charlie.  He nice too, just like kids.  We make friends right away.

Grigore:  You think you fool Uncle Charlie too?

Ilinca:  Sure, he believe everything Cesar and I tell them.  Now come on, I introduce you now. (To others)  Every body, Uncle Charlie, Joan, Bonita, Lou, and Huntz, I want introduce you to my, and Cesar’s , Uncle Grigore.  Uncle Grigore, this everybody like I just say.

Grigore:  How you do everybody? Is nice to meet you.

Uncle Charlie:  Nice to meet you too Grigore, or should I call you Uncle Grigore, since your niece and nephew have been kind enough to adopt me as their uncle?

Grigore:  That’s okay Uncle Charlie; I no mind either way, you can call me Grigore, or you can call me Uncle Grigore, same goes for kids too.

Bonita:  Well, Uncle Grigore, we were just about to go see the Milford Wax Museum.  Would you care to join us?

Lou: Remember, count me out.  I’m not going anywhere near those monsters, even if they are made of wax.

Ilinca:  Monsters?  What monsters, Lou?

Lou:  The Wolf-man, and Dracula, and the Frankenstein monster and the Bride of Frankenstein.

Ilinca:  Bride of Frankenstein, really?  Is cosy, no?

Lou:  Cosy or no cosy, I’m not going in there.  I’ll just stay out here, in the sunshine, with the bright leaves, and the fresh air, and no monsters.

Grigore:  You no like the monsters, Lou?

Lou:  No, not me.

Grigore:  Not even make-believe?

Lou:  No sir.  I’ll take my chances out here in the sunshine.

Grigore:  How you know there no monsters out here?

Lou:  If there were monsters out here, I would see them.

Grigore:  What about Invisible Man?

Lou:  The Invisible Man wasn’t a monster, he was a man.

Grigore:  Sure, same as Wolf-man is man until he turn into werewolf.

Lou:  (Utters frightened exclamation)  What was that?  I thought I felt some one breathing down my neck.

Uncle Charlie:  Relax Lou, there is no one behind you.

Lou:  How do you know?  If he’s invisible, you wouldn’t see him.

Ilinca:  You know Lou, I no want to see monsters either.  I stay out here in sunshine with you.  Invisible Man no bother both of us, if we stay close together.

Lou:  You mean you’ll stay out here and protect me, I mean keep me company?

Ilinca:  Sure, I stay with you.

 

To be continued . . .

 

copyright 2017 r.k.morris

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mystery-comedy script.  Click here to start at Campfire Creepers Three: Mystery at the Milford Wax Museum (part 1)

 

Uncle Charlie:  You are sixteen years old you say?

Cesar:  Sure.  I be seventeen in August.

Uncle Charlie:  That is a very luxuriant moustache you have  for a sixteen year old, Cesar.

Cesar:  Luxuriant?  What is luxuriant?

Uncle Charlie:  Growing with vigor and in great abundance.

Cesar:  Oh, sure.  You Like?  You should see before I shave.

Uncle Charlie:  Before you shaved?

Cesar: Sure.  I shave most of it off before I fly to your country; not want to pay for extra weight on airplane.  Ha ha, I make  joke.  You like?  Pretty good, eh?  I tell you what though, if you think my moustache is something, you should see my fathers moustache.

Uncle Charlie:  Very impressive, is it?

Cesar:  Impressive?  You bet impressive.  Papa shaves this much off every day before breakfast.

Uncle Charlie:  Amazing.

Cesar:  Oh ho, I know you are thinking sounds kind of crazy, but all the men in my family like that.  We, what’s the word, mature, very early.  I been shaving ever since I was ten.  All the boys in my family have moustache like this by time they sixteen.

Uncle Charlie:  As you say, they mature at an early age.

Cesar:  Sure, my whole village  like that.  You know we got no boys choir in our church?

Uncle Charlie: No?

Cesar:  No, by time boys old enough to hold music, voice has changed.

Uncle Charlie:  Remarkable.  Must be something in the water.

Cesar;  Sure, we got good water.  Comes from  mountain.  All very strong, very healthy.  We live good long lives, get married,  always have plenty  children.

Uncle Charlie:  Yes.  Perhaps we are getting ahead of ourselves.  I notice a young lady with you.

Cesar:  Oh, please forgive me,  In  excitement to meet you lovely people, especially Joan, I forgot about my Ilinca. Please, allow me to introduce to you kind people this lovely young lady with the lovely black hair and the beautiful dark eyes and, er, other beautiful parts, my sister, Ilinca.

Uncle Charlie:  That’s quite an introduction.

Cesar:  Sure,  why not?  Ilinca quite a sister.

Ilinca:  How do you do?   Is nice to meet all of you.

Cesar:  Ilinca is one beautiful young woman, no?  Any man, I mean  teenage boy like me, would be glad to have her for his, how you say, sweetheart.

Uncle Charlie:  Have you Ilinca, a special young man, a sweetheart, as we say?

Ilinca:  Sure, I got sweetheart.  He nice fellow, sometimes.

Uncle Charlie:  Do you miss him, being away from home?

Ilinca:  No, I no miss him.  I got sweetheart right here in America.

Cesar:  What? Who this fellow? I break his arms if he touch you with even one finger.

Uncle Charlie:  Cesar, you sound almost jealous.  Surely as a brother, you cannot object to Ilincaa having a sweetheart.

Cesar:  Sure, sure.  I her brother.  I no jealous.  I only mean, I break his arms if he no  present himself first to Mama and Papa, to get their approval.  How American boy get approval from Mama and Papa when they at home in our village?

Ilinca:  Cesar, don’t be silly.  Sweetheart is not American boy.

Cesar: No?

Ilinca: No, is boy from our village, just like you.

Cesar:   Like me? Oh.  Oh, yes, like me.  That’s okay then.  You bet, Ilinca got plenty nice sweetheart.

Uncle Charlie:  It’s very good of you to look out for your sister, Cesar.

Cesar:  Sure.  You bet, even though she older, I look out for her, just same as if she little sister.  Ouch!

Uncle Charlie:  What is it?

Cesar:  I don’t know.  Strange pain in foot all of sudden. (Aside to Ilinca)  Why you stomp on foot like that?

Ilinca:  (Aside to Cesar)  Why you tell them I older sister?  I younger than you.  You tell them I younger sister!

Cesar: (Aside to Ilinca) Listen, how they believe you younger sister when I tell them I only sixteen years?  Nobody going to believe you fourteen years.

Ilinca:  (Aside to Cesar)Then you tell them I am fifteen years, same as Joan.

Cesar:  (Aside to Ilinca)Fourteen, fifteen, makes no difference, nobody going to believe that.

Ilinca:  (Aside to Cesar)  You tell them, or you walk with limp rest of day.

Cesar: (Aside to Ilinca)  Okay, okay, I tell them you fifteen years, but I no like. (To all)  Excuse me folks, I make mistake.  Ilinca not my older sister, she my younger sister.

Uncle Charlie:  You made a mistake about which one of you was older?

Cesar:  Sure, happens to me all the time.  I got another sister, Daciana, she the older one.  All the times I get Daciana and Ilinca mixed up.  Ilinca is younger sister.  She much nicer too.   Sweet temper.   She never hurt nobody, right Ilinca?

Ilinca:  Nobody that don’t have it coming to them.

Uncle Charlie:  You are the younger sister, Ilinca?  Just  how young are you?

Natasha:  Fifteen.

Uncle Charlie:  Fifteen?

Cesar:  But she be sixteen pretty soon, in June.  Girls drink same water as boys, grow up fast.

Uncle Charlie:  In June!?  Your father must be impetuous.

Cesar: No, he no in Texas.  Papa home in village with Mama, just like I tell you few minutes ago.

Natasha:  My brother Cesar make mistake.  I be sixteen in October.  It is sister Daciana who have birthday in June.

Uncle Charlie:  October, yes, I see.  Still, your mother must be a remarkable woman.

Cesar:    Sure she remarkable, she my mother!

Uncle Charlie:  Yes, I should say she has quite a constitution.

Cesar:  No, she got good digestion, same as rest of family.  What about you, you got stomach problems?

Uncle Charlie:  No, my stomach is fine.  What I meant was, your mother must be a very strong woman, made of sturdy stuff.

Cesar:  Sure, she sturdy, strong woman, my mother.  To look at her you think she just like soft flower, very pretty and delicate, but she very strong, I tell you.  One time she wrestle bear.

Bonita:  A bear?!

Cesar:  Sure, was trained bear, but still bear.  One time gypsies camp near village.  Whole town go out to see.  Gypsies play music, tell fortunes, do tricks with flaming swords, you know; when bear walks up to Papa, give him nudge with nose.  Gypsy man see this and say ‘ Ah,  Jacaus  want to wrestle you.  This sign of honor.’  Papa start to stand up to wrestle bear when Mama say ‘ I got honor too.  You sit down, Mihai, I wrestle bear.’ So mama get up and wrestle bear.

Bonita:  Was she alright?

Cesar:  Sure she alright.  She win two out of three.   Of course before final throw, bear sneeze and how you say, lose his balance, make it easier for Mama to win, but bear no complain.  Everybody give Mama big cheer.  Bear get extra honey for being such good sport.  Much laughter, much music and dance after that.  Sure, my Mama made of sturdy stuff.  Always it good to see Papa and Mama dance and laugh together.

Huntz:  Did your father wrestle the bear after that?

Cesar:  What for he want to give up dancing with beautiful wife to wrestle bear?  You think he stupid?

Huntz:  No, no.  I didn’t mean anything like that.

Cesar:  That’s okay, cousin Huntz, I just having joke with you.  Picture of Mama and Papa dancing make me very happy.  I like to joke when I feel happy.  I hope you no mind.

Huntz:  I don’t mind.

Bonita:  We’re glad you feel so happy, and that you feel comfortable enough already to joke with us.

Cesar:  Oh sure, I get comfortable right away, soon as I like people.  I don’t waste no time.  That reminds me,  I got a question for you, maybe you can explain something to me.

Bonita:  Sure, Cesar, what is it?

Cesar:  Just in the little while I been here in Milford, I keep hearing the young people, you know, the other teengers, like Ilinca and me, talk about this Coming-home dance.

Uncle Charlie:  Coming-home?  You mean the Home coming dance?

Cesar:  Ya, that’s it!  You heard about it too?

Bonita:  I imagine just about everyone in Milford and Highland knows about the Homecoming dance.  It’s a big dance at the high school, one of the biggest events of the year.

Cesar:  A big event?  That sounds nice.  I love to dance.  Too bad I no go to school here, then I could go and dance.

Bonita:  I suppose you don’t actually have to go to Milford to go to the dance, as long as your date went to Milford.

Cesar:  My date?  You mean the young lady?  Of course, but that is problem.  I know no young ladies in Milford, except of course you, Bonita, and your charming cousin Joan.

Bonita:  That is a problem.  I already have a date for the dance , —

Cesar:  Miss Joan?

Joan: Yes?

Cesar:  No,  I cannot ask you.  I got to do this the right way

Joan: Do what?

Cesar:  You see.  Uncle Charlie, you are the uncle of this charming young lady, this Joan standing here right next to us,  right?

Uncle Charlie:  That is correct, Cesar.

Cesar:  Then it is my privilege sir, to ask you if I may have the honor of escorting your niece Joan to the big event, the Homecoming dance.

 

 

To be continued…

 

Copyright 2017 r.k.morris